Tonight I shed a tear,
for the love that I never quite had, but always silently hoped for;
And for friendship that I held on to so tightly.
It seemed like the only certainty when everything was falling down around me.
The past few nights I've been trying to figure out what changed.
All the while missing you, and trying not to show it. It just meant so much that you understood. You cared enough to seek for more than just the surface of my thoughts.
I depended on you,
but maybe I shouldn't have.
I knew you could never save me. I thought you trusted me,
enough to share all that you're going through and simply be honest with me.
I thought that I was important to you.
I said that I’d always fight
for us to stay
in some kind of relationship - whatever shape or form; and promised to never run
and hide.
But you can’t fight with someone that walks away.
So instead, I'll fight every urge to
message you,
or demand answers for your silence.
The truth is, I might never see you again - Only the future can tell whether our
paths will cross once more.
I will no longer hold on to you -
I’m finally letting you go.
I’m letting us go.
-N.M- I wrote this a few months ago, but wasn't ready to share it yet. But it feels just as relevant now as it did back then. The only difference is that I didn't quite let go. I was constantly going back and forth on my word. I kept falling in love with him, when I should have known better. Walking away hurts. But with each step I grow stronger. Relationships are certainly not for the faint-hearted.
"I’m never gonna wait that extra twenty minutes to text you back, and I’m never gonna play hard to get when I know your life has been hard enough already. When we all know everyone’s life has been hard enough already. it’s hard to watch the game we make of love, like everyone’s playing checkers with their scars, saying checkmate whenever they get out without a broken heart."
And now Love makes me fresh homemade chocolate cookies.
But Love will probably finish most of them for a midnight snack.
Love looks great in lingerie but still likes to wear her retainer.
Love is a terrible driver but a great navigator.
Love knows where she’s going,
it just might take her two hours longer than she planned.
Love is messier now;
not as simple.
Love uses the word ‘boobs’ in front of my parents.
Love chews too loudly.
Love leaves the cap off the toothpaste.
Love uses smiley faces in her text messages
And turns out,
Love shits.
But Love also cries.
And Love will tell you, “You are beautiful.”
And mean it.
Over and over again,
“You are beautiful.”
When you first wake up,
“You are beautiful.”
When you’ve just been crying,
“You are beautiful.”
When you don’t want to hear it,
“You are beautiful.”
When you don’t believe it,
“You are beautiful.”
When nobody else will tell you,
“You are beautiful.”
Love still thinks,
“You are beautiful.”
But love is not perfect,
and will sometimes forget,
when you need to hear it most,
“You are beautiful.”
Do not forget this.
Love is not who you are expecting.
Love is not what you can predict.
Maybe Love is in New York City,
already asleep.
You are in California, Australia,
wide awake.
Maybe Love is always in the wrong timezone.
Maybe Love is not ready for you.
Maybe you are not ready for Love.
Maybe Love just isn’t the marrying type.
Maybe the next time you see Love is twenty years after the divorce.
Love looks older now but just as beautiful as you remember.
Maybe Love is only there for a month.
Maybe Love is there for every firework,
every birthday party,
every hospital visit.
Maybe Love stays.
Maybe Love can’t.
Maybe Love shouldn’t.
Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to.
And Love leaves exactly when Love must.
When Love arrives,
say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.”
If Love leaves,
ask her to leave the door open behind her,
turn off the music,
listen to the quiet,
whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.”
-Sarah and Phil Kay(e)
I absolutely adore this spoken word. I heard it for the first time over a year ago, at a time where I was struggling to let go of a relationship. I cried so many times listening to it, every time noticing something more that stood out for me. It highlighted most of the things that I thought love was, and what I expected it to be.
But it made me realise that love is never exactly what you expect it to be. And that there are a million different ways to love someone. I also realised that it was indeed possible to love more than one person in your life time. It helped me let go of the bitterness and just accept the relationship for what it was, and nothing more.
Every now and again, I listen to it, to remind me that even though love seems so far away, it may be closer than you think. But in the mean time, I know not to dwell on what is not, or what could be, but to rather just enjoy everything that is, in the moment.
I came across Sarah Kay a while back, at a time when I was
trying to figure out what it was to be a woman. I couldn’t wrap my head around
the transition and it felt as if I needed to see the line/ boundary between the
two phases of life. It was a while before I realised that there simply is no
measure.
There are many things that can define what it means to be
a woman. I guess that it depends on you, how you’ve been brought up, and the morals
and values that you hold close to your heart. But most importantly, I have learnt that we have the power to define ourselves according to who we want to be, and not in relation to everyone else around us.
Over the past year I’ve come to believe that you become a
woman when you realise that life is not an easy journey - there will be many,
many ups and downs along the way. You also start to realise that you will not
be perfect and things will often not end up the way you intended. To me, being a woman means owning up to all
your short comings and your insecurities.
I loved the way she (Sarah Kay) was not afraid to be
vulnerable through her poetry. She shares with the audience her insecurities
and hopes and dreams. I love that she is open about her family and where she
comes from. She is proud of her heritage and cultural background. She is happy
being quirky and playful but still comes across as a confident young woman that
is filled with talent and ambition.
In 2011 she performed at a Ted Conference as part of a series entitled "Beauty, Imagination, Enchantment."
I'm tired - of listening to the hurt in her voice, of seeing the pain in her eyes. It consumes her - the worry, the feelings of bitterness. Losing control of everything around her. But she keeps fighting - against the world, against the reflection in the mirror. There's no escape - from all the pain, from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul. All she wants is to be free - to live the life she has always dreamed of. She's been fighting for so long - for the ones she loves, for her independence, to survive in this cruel world. When will it all end? -N.M-
Sometimes I feel like a deer,
caught in the headlights.
Too stunned to move.
Body frozen in time.
Helpless in the face of danger.
I know I should react -
MOVE! -
Jump out of the way!
Yet here I stand.
Staring straight into the eyes of my doom.
Already accepting defeat.
-N.M-
When the road you're trudging seems all
uphill, When
the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit,
Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a failure turns about,
When he might have won had he stuck it out;
Don't give up though the pace seems slow--
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the goal is nearer than,
It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often
the struggler has given up, When
he might have captured the victor's cup,
And he learned too late when the night slipped down, How
close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out--
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And
you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems so far,
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit--
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.
- Author unknown
This poem was sent to me by a close friend some
time ago and it really meant a lot to me. Reading it
again reminds me that it is important to hold on till the very end for
something that you want. If you quit, you will always be left wondering what
could have happened if you had just tried it one last time. It
may not be easy but then again, nothing worth having ever is.
