So, I recently told my closest guy friend that I have feelings for him.

Yes, yes, I went there. Just like an episode from that MTV "Friend Zone" thing. Such a cliché on my part, I know. But there you go; my clumsy little heart had a spasm and tripped all over itself. 

But, to be honest, I don't mind nearly half as much as I should that he doesn't feel the same way. Of course it would be nice, but I knew that it was a bit of a stretch.

See the thing is, this is the first time, since my last relationship, that I‘ve actually had real feelings for someone and not been afraid to tell him about it. And that means something to me. That spasm - was my heart truly feeling something again.

It’s weird, but I think I've always kinda had a thing for him. But it was never the right time (for many, many reasons). I told myself that going there (developing these feelings), would just be a bad idea. So I denied it. And made the decision in my mind to not even think about it…

But then we had that moment. At first I really and truly did just think that it was so chilled and not a big deal. Until I started thinking about him and I started to see all the things I previously ignored. So, when he kept asking, I told him. I don’t think I was hiding it too well.

Now, I have to watch everything I say to him. I have to play those silly little games of not texting too much and try to keep my distance. And I hate it. Not to mention how badly I suck at it! I hate waiting to see if he will message me first and I hate keeping my distance to see if he will notice.

We may try to pretend that things haven’t changed, but I sorta feel him pulling away. Perhaps it is my fault for being that open about it all. I should probably say that I would take it all back if I could, and pretend that it really doesn’t mean anything to me. I should probably also try to be one of those girls that just sweeps things easily aside. Nonchalant. Blasé. Blah blah blah….

But I’m not sorry that I told him. And I don’t wish that I could take it all back.

I’ve realised that I will never be the girl that can hold back her emotions and keep it all together. I say the things I shouldn’t. I’ll open my heart to you one day and then shut it the next.  I over react, and under- react, depending on the weather. And I may be a little dramatic and act stubbornly all in the same breath.

I am a perfectly, imperfect mess. And I guess that I always will be, in one form or another. I’m trying to be ok with that.

I miss...

... being in love.

I miss that addictive feeling - never being able to get enough of this one person. Someone that just instantly makes your heart sing.

I miss the sweet messages - the cute little texts saying that he’s randomly thinking about you throughout the day.

I miss opening my heart up completely, unafraid that he will reject me - being able to trust him completely to protect this fragile heart that I have kept locked away for too long; trusting him to love me unconditionally.

I miss being vulnerable - free to show him the little pieces of my life that I hide away from the rest of the world.

But most of all, I miss having that one person to share my life with.

Someone that can’t sleep without checking that you are ok and someone that is genuinely interested in hearing about every second of your day.

And you know that he feels the same way about you because he isn’t afraid to tell you. He needs to hear your voice, your laughter and loves to see you smile.

If you happen to be reading this...

I want you to know that I will always be here for you, even if we never see each other again. Know that you have been a blessing in my life ever since we met all those years ago. There will always be a place for you in my heart.

I really never thought that anything would ever happen between us. We always seemed to be in different places and going through different things – circling around each other and never on common ground.

A small part of me now wishes that something more had developed between us earlier, but I also know that it really wasn't the right thing for either of us.

There is nothing that I would change about that night. I let my guard down with you and allowed myself to get lost in your kisses without thinking or worrying about my insecurities or the possible implications. It was amazing. 

If Only....

Last night I met the perfect guy. 

But absolutely nothing happened. 

And I will probably never see him again.

So there really isn’t any story here. Except that he is perfect, and I can’t help wishing that something more had happened. “What if..?” keeps running through my mind.

See, we only spoke briefly before we were interrupted. Later he offered to help me with some random thing I was doing. (Sigh, it’s the small things that get me...) Even though our conversation lasted maybe 3 sec, I discovered that he is a high school economics teacher at this exclusive boys hostel somewhere inland.  He told me that he started studying in 2007, which would make him about 25 years old (if my calculations are correct... Obsessed much???!!) His reason for being on campus, at our little gathering, was because they were on holiday.  He came with a friend.

There was just something about him that was different to the guys that I see every day. Besides the fact that he is GORGEOUS, he’s also the kinda guy that stands on the side lines if he doesn't know too many people. But is confident and open enough to hold a conversation.(no matter how short..)

I was kicking myself, the whole night after I got back to my room, because I didn't take a chance and just talk to him more. I stuck with my friends the whole night. 

I know that nothing more would have come of it, but I kinda hate that I missed the opportunity - all because I was feeling a little awkward and insecure.

This seems to be a thing with me. I hesitate to go out and speak to people because I'm afraid I will be awkward and not have anything to say. It’s not that I am shy. I guess I just need to gain a little more confidence in myself. With regard to a whole spectrum of things, might I add... But first things first right? I need to embrace the curly haired girl that I am, and not be afraid to step out of my comfort zone from time to time, no matter the challenge! No holding back!

But for now I just need to let go of this one encounter and take it as a learning curve... Here's to something better in the future!  J

Dancing the night away

Last night I went to a campus party and had a awesome time hanging out with lotsa fun people and dancing to great music. My close friends decided not to come, at first, but I found some other friends to hang out with. It was good to just do what I wanted to do. I liked being able to go up to the guys that I knew and dance with them a little. I didn't feel invisible or awkward and I didn't feel like a loser if I was jamming on my own for a little while. Two of my besties did eventually come through and I ended the night with them.

There were a few guys that I noticed throughout the night but I wasn't really trying to get their attention or anything. But towards the end of the night, I was dancing with a friend from class (let’s call him Dissection guy), and I noticed him getting a whole lot closer. It was funny because I can be so uncoordinated sometimes, in really close proximity, with guys for the first time. But at the time I didn't think anything of it. I tried to keep things a little distant and chilled but eventually let him get closer and closer.  The next thing I knew, he pulled in to me and we kissed. I realize now that I actually really wanted to - and it was great. I felt those nervous butterflies, that I've been missing, especially when he pulled me in the second time... 

And all too soon we pulled apart. I think we both came to our senses. To be honest, we were far from discreet and I can’t be too certain of his sobriety level… 

After he left I saw him, from a distance, outside a couple of times, but he didn't come back and we left it just there. 

Now the problem is that I think he has a girlfriend. OK, no, I’m fairly certain that he does.  So it meant nothing. And it can’t mean anything.  

This is exactly why I previously decided that I wouldn't let such things happen randomly at parties again.  But at the same time, it felt good to just live in the moment. I think that I might like him a little. This isn't really the first time that I've thought about him in that way...

But I know that I am still not ready for an actual relationship. There are so many things that I still have to deal with, like the way that I think of myself - the “boxes” that I put myself into.  But that is a story for another day.

On the upside, I got up bright and early for class today, despite being out for most of the night. J

Please find me soon...

My dreams have been plagued by knights in shining armour... A strong bold man that has come to sweep me off my feet. He takes me in his arms and never wants to let go. He looks deeply into my eyes, and without hesitation, he kisses me passionately. I want this dream to last forever. I want it to be real.

But it's not. And when I open my eyes I am filled with a feeling of loss as I slowly come to my senses and realise that it was all just my subconscious mind playing tricks on me. So to hide the disappointment, I brush it off. I'm better off anyway. I force myself to think about all the hurt that men cause. The lying, the cheating and vulnerability that comes with a relationship. "I don't need that in my life", I tell myself over and over again.

It's almost as if I am afraid to love again. I want to shelter my heart and keep it safe. It's too precious and delicate to be broken once more. It might not recover this time.

I just want to skip all this bullshit and find the one man that will make me his wife and a mother to his children. The one that will never dream of hurting me, and that will respect me for who I am. He will understand and appreciate all my flaws, and day by day we will grow together, becoming a force to be reckoned with.

I know he's out there. Somewhere.
Please find me soon. Until that day, I will be waiting, as patiently as I can.

Just friends??

Do you think that it is possible to JUST be friends with someone of the opposite sex? Without any strings attached or without either one of you developing feelings for each other somewhere down the line?

I have a theory that its not really all that possible. I think this because I believe that when you share personal information about yourself and your about your feelings with someone else, its like you are giving them a little piece of yourself. In a way, you allow yourself to become emotionally vulnerable and a little insecure. These are both possible places from where feelings can start to develop. You grow to love someone for all their insecurities, flaws and weaknesses. You find a special and rare beauty in them. You see them on both their best and worst days. And you may even help them through various difficult situations. They will feel that they can always depend on you to be there when needed.

I've seen quite a few friendships end up in relationships like this, and although I think that it's amazing if you can find that kind of love, I also think that once you go there, you can never go back to the way things once were. And it will take even more work to be friends again if the relationship ends.

I would really love to have a really close guy friend like this. Someone that I can just be myself around. Someone that I can talk to about all my silly boy problems and that can give me advice. Someone that won't judge me for being insecure sometimes and won't be afraid to be brutally honest with me when I need to be set straight, because he genuinely cares about me.

I want to be loved in a way that will never turn sexual or into anything more than what it is - a true friendship.

I've never really had many casual guy friends. Mostly just acquaintances. But lately I have been making a few new friends. Maybe I should just give it time and see what happens. After all, if it's meant to be, it will be, right?