Day 6: What do I need less of?

Day 6: What do I need LESS of?

1) Atelophobia.

The fear of imperfection. 

The fear of never being good enough.

2) Self-doubt.

No more second-guessing who I am and what I am capable of achieving.

3)Insecurities .

4) Shame.

Living with shame only brings us down. 

Accept that the past happened.
Acknowledge mistakes and learn from them. 

Then - 
Let it go.

Move forward. 

5) Negativity.

Time to focus on the glass being half-FULL.  

***

Please feel free to say hi or leave a comment! :)

Follow the link in BohoBerry image to check out the details of this challenge.

Open Wounds

"Not everyone is okay with living like an open wound. But the thing about open wounds is that, well, you aren't ignoring it. You're healing; the fresh air can get to it. It's honest. You aren't hiding who you are. You aren't rotting. People can give you advice on how to heal without scarring badly. But on the other hand there are some people who'll feel uncomfortable around you. Some will even point and laugh. But we all have wounds." 

-Warsan Shire-

Fears and longing

My mentor shared this with me last month. It is a quote from Matt Licata:

“The fear of being abandoned. The shame in being rejected and not seen as you are. The terror of being alone. The anxiety of being dependent on another. The panic of unbearable vulnerability and exposure. The dread of the looming death of yourself and everyone around you. These are the great fears that come as you wake, as you fall asleep, and as you wander along the path of the heart. But, perhaps the greatest fear of all is the fear of being loved, the dissolving of the trance of unlove once and for all. For when you are truly loved, when you are entirely seen, when you are fully held, it is the end of your world as you know it. Life is always seeing you in this way. If you will allow this revelation in, you will never be the same again. You will no longer be able to pretend that you are other than radiant and whole as you are. You will watch in astonishment as the spell of unworthiness is dissolved in front of your very eyes.

While it may seem that this is what you are truly longing for, please consider the consequences of the death of this ancient dream. The game is over. Dare to see that you were never unhealed; that nothing is missing, and that you are fully alive, now. Not after you ‘heal your past’, find your soulmate, manifest a conscious job, get into a ‘high vibration’, or replace the burning with joy. Allow the dream of postponement to end, now. For you are here. You are present. Your raw heart is beating. Your senses are online. Allow the unlovable one, the unworthy one, the ‘broken’ one, and the ‘unhealed’ one to fall away into the soft, tender vastness that you are. To let in the implications of this is utterly exhilarating. And completely terrifying simultaneously. One world is ending so that the true world may appear from behind the clouds of separation. The world of love is here…..now.”

Vulnerability

"To be vulnerable is to be alive."

For the longest time I’ve been struggling to let people get close enough to see the parts of me that hurt, to see the parts that still feel broken and still need repairing. I have been reading Brene Brown’s work on wholehearted living, and have started to realise that it is only when we open up to others in this way that we can truly connect and be our truest selves.

In Daring Greatly, Brene discusses the results she obtained from different people when asked what vulnerability means to each one personally. I gave this some thought and wrote down everything that came to mind. No filtering or overthinking.

 For me vulnerability is:

Allowing someone to see the real me

Being loved

Taking risks

Standing in my truth

Making new friends

Maintaining friendships

Sharing my writing with others

Loving and caring for someone

Seeking connection

Exploring sexuality

Being sexy and attractive

Putting in effort

Being ambitious

Asking for help

This is quite a list but I have started making some progress into understanding and accepting it. Some things I find easier to do than others. Some days allowing myself to seek these things feels fine, and completely doable while other days I find it a bit more challenging. I often struggle to tell my friends that I am having a tough time, or that I am feeling stuck and not good enough. Most of the time I am worried about how they would respond to seeing this “weakness”. The mask that I wear most often is that everything is OK and that I have all my shit together. I want to be that person, but I kept falling short. 

I am learning more and more each day that vulnerability is the furthest thing from weakness. As Brene says, “Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage.”

I remind myself that all we have to do is take one tiny step in the direction towards what we want and eventually, when we glance back, we’ll see how far we have come. This is what keeps me going. 

2015 in Review

A list of the good stuff that I would like to take away from 2015 :) 

Better late than never!

1.       Started studying Psychology!

For the first time I can say that I finished this year on a very good note and achieved really great results. I enjoyed most of my modules this year and found the content very interesting. There were a few ups and downs along the way, but in the end I am happy with the way that this year went.

2.       Became a Peer Helper and got involved on campus

3.       Got my driver’s licence!

Passing my driver’s test in July 2015 changed my life for the better. It made life much easier for me and my family and allowed me to have more independence.

4.       Great conversations with my mentor.

My mentor is an amazing woman. I have mentioned her here and there in a few of my posts in the past. I am truly grateful for her continued support and encouragement of the past year. We have a monthly Skype session and she always makes an effort to fit me into her busy schedule.

5.       Met interesting new people and made a few great friends.

6.       Started facilitating at Revive and became part of the team.

7.       Started working at a bookstore. 

             My very first formal part-time employment. 

Looking forward to what this year has to offer!

We all have a story to tell

Listen to everyone's story with an open heart and never judge or criticize them if they tell you their deepest, darkest secrets. It takes a lot of courage to open up like that because it exposes all your vulnerabilities and insecurities. 

Out of the shadows

My name is Noma. I am 26 years old, and I live with my family in Port Elizabeth, South Africa.

I started blogging here many moons ago in 2011.  Back then I was a struggling 2^nd year medical student, had just ended a relationship and was feeling very homesick. I needed someone to talk to during a time when I felt isolated. Writing and blogging was a means to express my feelings, emotions and insecurities without wondering how people would react to them. I didn't want to seem vulnerable or weak in the eyes of people around me. So instead I reached out to an anonymous world where I could be myself completely. 

Over the years I have come to understand that vulnerability does not mean weakness, and that it is something that many people struggle with. Vulnerability is beautiful, and it allows connection with others.

I now feel as though this journey is not something that I need to hide anymore. Words are magical and have the power to heal and transform.

This blog is an outward expression of my heart and represents and describes things that hold great meaning for me. Things that resonates with in my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

 Feel free to leave a comment or just say Hi! J

Happy 2016!

It has been quite a while since I last posted or updated my blog. So many things have happened in the last year that have helped me to grow. Battles have been waged, and battles have been won - but the fight is never over.

I've been struggling to write, because sometimes my mind works overtime, and I would rather it not make concrete the idiosyncrasies that plague me. I would rather have the voices and feelings silenced – even if it is only for a little while.

I've been fighting against the desire to hide. Hide my life. Hide my feelings. Hide my heart. Even though every fibre of my being is longing to reach out. It has always been my knee jerk reaction to retreat away from the outside world.

And so, I have been contemplating sharing this blog, and coming out of the shadows of anonymity. I've been weighing up the pros and the cons but I finally realise that I will never feel completely comfortable being vulnerable with people. So, I should just do it anyway! More on this to follow J

Major update!

Last time I posted, I was feeling really stressed out about not yet having heard back from the university about studying this year... 2015 had not started off on a very good foot, and time was already flying by so fast. The last thing I wanted was to spend another year like 2014!

But a few days later I finally received my acceptance to NMMU, and things started moving forward. I was really nervous about staring all over again and I had no idea what to expect. I attended all my orientation activities, chose my subjects and registered! It was a very weird feeling. I could never have imagined being in this situation - studying in my home city, doing anything other than medicine...

Regardless, I decided to see this whole experience as turning over a new leaf. I was getting a chance to change the direction in which my life was going. How often do we actually have the liberty to really start over? So, with some encouragement from my mentor, I kept telling myself to take one little step at a time, and look on the bright side of things. 

Before I knew it things were moving full speed ahead. It must be said that starting university again at 24 is a vastly different experience to starting varsity fresh out of high school at 18. For one thing, I barely knew anyone around me. And for another, I could approach this with the wisdom and maturity that I gained from my previous experience. I feel more comfortable interacting with different people, and competent with my academic abilities. This is a pleasant change for me.

I look forward to the rest of this year and all that it entails.

The paths of our lives

The paths of our lives twist and turn around each other whenever the timing is right.

I miss you.

But I will not call you back in to my life after you have decided to walk out of it. It is time for me to accept that I cannot fight to keep you here. Just know that you will always be loved as a friend. 

But it is under your control whether we keep in contact. There is always a choice. I believed that you would always want a connection between us, but maybe after some time it didn't feel as important to you. 

I read a verse the other day, "Depend not on other people". 

It seems this is a lesson I must learn. 

Love at first sight?

I'm not the type of person you fall in love with at first sight. But I've been told that there is a lightness about me that draws people in. I want to believe this. Maybe I once did. But that was a long time ago. These days I feel as though I am a quite the opposite: a darkness from which everyone runs.

These dreams keep me up at night

The birds have started chirping; marking the end of night and still I am awake. In the distance I hear the sound of what must be the horn of a ship going off every couple minutes. 

I still struggle to fall asleep these days, even though i am feeling completely drained. 

I thought that I had started making progress and dealing with everything that this year has thrown at me. But not too long after some of the dust had settled, was it all just shaken up again. 

Someone recently told me that the only way to get closure is to move on with your life. I'm not sure whether or not I believe this statement. Maybe I just don't really understand what it means to really move on. I have been holding on to so many different things from my past. Have I ever really had any closure? My heart still feels weighed down.

My mentor reminds me that it is still OK to feel this way; as though nothing really makes sense. She is the only person that I feel comfortable showing my real feelings to. And although I am sure she is moved by my pain, it does not change her life. This makes it easier for me. She allows me to be who I am at that very moment. I don’t have to pretend or feel ashamed. 

Arthur Golden

Best Friend Rights and Responsibilities

"If you’re depressed, I will be there for you.

As everyone knows, depressed people are some of the most boring people in the world. I know this because when I was depressed, people fled. Except my best friends. I will be there for you during your horrible break-up, or getting fired from your job, or if you’re just having a bad couple of months or year. I will hate it and find you really tedious, but I promise I won’t abandon you."

Excerpt from Mindy Kaling's book Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) 

Resurfacing

I have been avoiding this blog like the plague. There are many reasons, but mainly because I just wasn't feeling up to expressing all the thoughts that were going through my mind. I put my blinders on and just wanted to get through this year. I was feeling overwhelmed with my life, and very uninspired. But this week the inspiration has slowly been seeping back into my bones and has taken over my heart once again.

And I must admit, it is a really good feeling.

Another reason I couldn't write was because I was getting over someone that I really cared about. It has finally sunken in that he didn't have the same regard for our friendship as I did. I was struggling to understand how things could have changed so drastically between us in just a year. Every word I wrote spilled his name all across my page.

I was uncertain if he was even still reading my blog and I didn't want him in my mind, whilst I was still oblivious as to what was going through his. I didn't want him to know how much he really hurt me. But I have now moved on. There are too many things in my life to worry about. He will not be one of them.

To be honest, I still miss him sometimes. But life goes on. I have come to understand and accept that I am the type of person that doesn't let go of someone very easily. As cliché as this may sound; I love with every fibre of my being. No matter what kind of relationship we have. And this is OK.

So, wherever he is, I hope that he is happy and doing well.

Aside from that, I have been living in my own bubble for the past few months. But I have made a couple really cool friends, and things have started looking up a little for next year. There are still some hard decisions to make, but this year is almost over. I can’t believe it!

Cynical; A definition

cyn·i·cal 

adj.

1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others

2. Selfishly or callously calculating

3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness

4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity

Stationary

I’m so fucking frustrated with my life. It feels as though we are standing stationary while everything around me keeps moving -

Time.

People.

Life.

It feels as though every time we (my family and I) take a step forward, something comes along and drags us two steps back.

It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have conversations like this in my head far too often these days. I want to be more optimistic but that’s just too fucking draining. Everything is too fucking draining.

I just want to get away.

Far, far away.

 But that requires money. Money requires a job. Finding a job requires experience.

And sadly, I’m in possession of none of these things. 

Broken relationships

How is it that friendships can so easily slip through our fingers? How is it that someone can just suddenly withdraw all contact and distance themselves without any explanation?? How was I to know whether or not I had done something wrong? I really thought that our friendship was deeper, and that I actually meant something to him. That is what he told me. Maybe it was all just bullshit.

I am so tired of writing about this, but I am hurt and angry. Maybe also a little disappointed. I really care(d) about him.

I know that I have been a mess lately and sometimes I can be difficult to be around/speak to. I don’t always say the right things and maybe I can be a little strong minded and stubborn. But I will not apologise for that. And I will not apologise for loving him or coming across too strongly.

I didn't need anything from him; I just thought that friendship was about being there for one another. He barely let me know what was going on with him, but whenever he did open up, I was there for him. 

A relationship is a two player game. If you decide to give up, there is nothing I can do. The decision is yours.

I wish I could say that this was the first time that this sort of thing has happened to me. But it’s not. Friends come and go from my life. And I probably have a lot to do with that. The thing that really gets me down, though, is that all these supposedly good friends of mine have never been honest with me and told me upfront what was wrong. I am not an unreasonable person! I will listen to you and try to understand where you are coming from. If you need space or time, or whatever, I will give that to you. But just don’t tell me that you care, when it is so easy for you not to.

I can feel all my walls going up again. Honestly, I thought he’d be the last person to destroy them. But maybe my heart was being a little too hopeful.  Why did I think that he would be different? 

Lifeline Session 4: Collage

This week we had to prepare a collage to be discussed in our small group. The objective of the collage was to be a representation of my life and of who I am. This could have been interpreted in any way. 

I found it to be a little bit of a challenge trying to organise the pictures I had gathered. I was determined to do it perfectly. Only afterwards did I realise how my collage came out very structured. One of the facilitators also noticed this and suggested that it might be because I don’t have much structure in my life at the moment. And I think she was right. I was so focused on trying to get the perfect layout and have it all aligned. My pictures were also small, so there were a lot of different things going on, which made it quite a mouthful to explain.

On the first page of the poster, I included some of the things I enjoy doing, such as reading, writing, cooking and baking, dancing, spending time with friends. 

The bottom half represents the way I had been feeling for the past few years especially, and all that I had been going through. The masks I wear, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, constantly fighting against time, lonely and stressed. I was hesitant to include all these images because I think I didn't want to face it all again, and have to share it with the group. But in the end, I was glad that I did. This section actually depicts the real me - behind the smile that I wear to hide all that is really going on.



This section on the middle page shows all the relationships I hope to  have. I want to have a family of my own. I want to have that fairy tail wedding with the white dress. I want to marry a good and honest man that will love me unconditionally. I want to be a mother, spending lots of time with my family.

On the bottom of this page I included pictures of my past. Happy memories with friends and things that make me smile when I think back on those times. I also have a picture of the campus that had been my home for so many years. It left me feeling nostalgic, but also reminded me that my time at medical school was not all bad.

The last page included my aspirations, hopes and dreams. As you can see, this was quite a mouthful. But I am glad that I had the chance to share this with the group.

Music: The Sun is Rising by Britt Nicole

When life has cut too deep and left you hurting

The future you had hoped for is now burning

And the dreams you held so tight  have lost their meaning

And you don't know if you'll ever find the healing

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

And the night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising

Every high and every low you're gonna go through

You don't have to be afraid, I am with you

In the moments you're so weak you feel like stopping

Let the hope you have light the road you're walking

You're gonna make it

You're gonna make it

The night can only last for so long

Whatever you're facing

If your heart is breaking

There's a promise for the ones who just hold on

Lift up your eyes and see

The sun is rising

Even when you can't imagine how

How you're ever gonna find your way out

Even when you're drowning in your doubt

Just look beyond the clouds

Just look beyond the clouds

There are over a billion people in this world...

Why is it that I am holding on to someone that is so far outside my reach? Wouldn't it be so much easier and more sensible to just go out and find someone closer, more available? Why do we cling to the old, when we know that it only hurts more the tighter we hold on? There are over a billion people in this world; surely there must be someone around here that would make a good new friend. Instead I fight with my past for something that may not be in my future.

But I guess that it’s not that simple. Relationships are connected to emotions and feeling, so sometimes it’s just not that easy to let go. The heart reaches out and makes connections with people on a deeper level and it takes our brains some time to figure out why that is. 

Yes, I believe that people cross our paths for a reason, but I struggle with knowing when our paths are no longer aligned, and when it’s time to move on.

Sometimes the heart is ready to let go, but we are not brave enough to let that happen. We are creatures of habit, and are usually afraid of change. So naturally, we find making new relationships a little daunting. We are afraid to start all over because there is fear in the unknown.

But it is far more important to surround yourself with people that you can trust, and that you feel comfortable opening up to; someone that can be there for you when times are tough. 


Friendships are not always going to be a walk in the park, but they do require effort from all parties involved. Only fight for someone who is willing to fight for you too. I need to realise that I can't keep holding on to relationships that only hurt me more and more every day.