The paths of our lives

The paths of our lives twist and turn around each other whenever the timing is right.

I miss you.

But I will not call you back in to my life after you have decided to walk out of it. It is time for me to accept that I cannot fight to keep you here. Just know that you will always be loved as a friend. 

But it is under your control whether we keep in contact. There is always a choice. I believed that you would always want a connection between us, but maybe after some time it didn't feel as important to you. 

I read a verse the other day, "Depend not on other people". 

It seems this is a lesson I must learn. 

Lifeline Session 1: Out of the darkness

I started attending a Personal Growth Course through Lifeline Community Wellness Centre. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I am honestly very glad that I found the course.

Right now I'm trying to figure out how to move forward with my life, and get over some of my painful past experiences. I feel stuck and I just don’t know how to deal with these overwhelming emotions.

Basically, this course is a journey towards greater self-awareness and self-discovery. The main goals are to gain greater self-insight, to learn to accept yourself and your feelings, to communicate more effectively, to expand your ways of relating and responding to others and to know yourself more fully.

Exactly what I need! My reasons for doing the course are:

- To figure out my true identity apart from once being a medical student

- To meet new people that are also facing similar challenges

- To find my purpose

- To make new friends

- To find joy within myself

- To let go of my past and move on with life.

- To help me become a mature and confident young woman

- To help me face my fears head on

- To help me start taking risks.

- To start healing all these scars from my past

We were allocated to smaller groups to discuss the different exercises for each session. One of today's tasks was to draw a picture of ourselves, and where we are in our lives. This is a very revealing exercise because even though one doesn’t have the skills of an artist, the image still comes across quite vividly.

It was quite something to listen to each person describing their pictures and to be able to open up, emotionally, to a group of strangers that I had only just met. I felt comfortable telling them all that had been weighing heavily on my heart the past couple days. Once I had started speaking, the tears just came - but I wasn’t embarrassed in any way. It was freeing to let it all out. They offered encouragement, and shared some of their own personal experience in similar situations. 

It’s time to move out of this darkness that I have been hiding in, and to accept that this is my life; I can’t silently wish it were different if I am not going to get up and do something to change it. I want to make the most of what I have been given, and be grateful for every blessing.

This is not about simply smoothing over the surface, hiding away my issues or making everything appear better. It's not even about trying to put a smile on my face and being be more positive. It's much more than those fancy quotes that I love, that tell you that everything will be OK one day; it is about building my self-confidence and truly believing in myself, with no doubts or second guessing.

It is time to change the things that make me unhappy - even if I just take one small step at a time.

A little bit of hope

For a while I have not able to get out much, mostly because of financial restraints and because I don’t have my driving licence yet. And instead of trying, I have been avoiding all social contact all together. I think that I am still waiting for things to get easier and start falling in to place, even though I know that is not how things usually work out. 

I saw a student counsellor at the university last month, with the hope that she would help me find out about more possible options. But after making a list of values and things I want from a career, the rest of the conversation revolved around Medicine. She had the idea that doing anything else would not bring me full satisfaction, and instead I would just be settling. I think she was trying to motivate me to give it another try. But I was/am not convinced. She didn't really understand where I was coming from and I left feeling even more confused and hurt. She even tried talking me out of studying psychology, because according to her, it would not be worth it in the end.

I remember coming home and just crying for a few minutes, feeling as though I was just right back where I started, with no way to move forward.

The other day, I was searching the internet, looking for some kind of support group in the area and I stumbled across the Lifeline website. I phoned the organisation and they told me about a Personal Growth course that they offer for 8 weeks which starts on the 24th July. I am feeling very nervous about it and I have no idea what to expect, but I am hoping that this will help me deal with all the things that I am having trouble letting go of and also help me to move forward. I don't want to hold on to the past any more. 

Letter to my love #1

Sometimes I think that my life would be so much easier if you were here with me.

I dream of you holding me while I cry myself to sleep at night. When I feel lost and afraid, I'll know that with your arms wrapped around me, I'll be safe. Your comforting sounds will ease away the heartache.

I know you can't save me, I don't want that of you. I just need to know that you are real, and within my reach. I want to be sure that you see my light, even in my darkest moments; and that you see my worst, but choose stay, over and over again.

I will give you my heart, and I'll take care of yours. I promise to love you unconditionally. And when you feel as though life keeps pulling you down, I'll be right by your side, a pillar to hold on to. You'll never be alone. Trust me.

I want to talk to you so desperately, at this very moment. But I will try to be patient.

I love you.

I'm terrified of life leaving me behind

I miss my heater,

Warming my tiny little room, miles from here. 

There I was alone with my thoughts -

Solitude was my confidant.

Snuggled in my bed, listening to the rain fall.

I had an idea of where my life was headed;

With some sense of a future. 

Now all that is gone. 

But this is not all bad.

There is family here - 

Love and support. 

I just wish that my mind wasn't so muddled. 

I wish that I was more grateful. 

I just hate that I feel as though

I am going nowhere slowly.

Time is running out. 

I have unknown deadlines -

Because I know I can't sit idly forever. 

Life must go on. 

And it will –

With or without me. 

And I’m terrified of being left behind.

-N.M-

Pro's and Cons of becoming an Au Pair

Regardless of what any one says, I am determined to make my own decision about my future. 

Pros

Travelling experience

Make new friends

Get paid 195USD/week

Independence

Study a short course

Child care experience
I have friends that have gone over and done this - Good experience

Cons

I will be alone/ away from my family

It is a big responsibility

Will take another year off from studies

It is a risk (no guarantees)

I’m afraid of traveling alone
I might not get along with the family, or have a difficult time with the kids
I won't be able to just come home at any time. - flights expensive!

Simply free to be...

Should I be freaking out about not having a future career right now?

Probably.
But, I am not.
That is OK, right?

I feel an odd sense of calm. I wake up every morning easily, after a peaceful night’s sleep. I don’t feel forced to do anything. I am not pressed for time. Just free to simply be. This is strange though, because for once, there is no guilt. For once I am not feeling helpless. There is a little flicker of hope growing in my heart.

For the last couple of days I have filled each minute with writing, updating my blog, listening to music and helping out around the house. I enjoy taking care of my family.

Yes, it is still weird not having a definite direction. But I think that for now I have to come to terms with it. I will start looking for something to do. Something light and fun. And I will start trying to do the things that I have never found the time to do before.

  

I am hesitant to start looking at my future options. I saw a new psychologist today. The session was basically filled with me telling her about everything that has led me to my current situation. She wanted me to fully realise that everything I have been through is quite a lot for a 23 year old to have had to deal with. And she thinks that I have been handling it all very well. I felt strong telling her everything. I was not sad or tearful. I am proud of how far I have come. I am proud of the resilience that I have built up over the past few years.

Therapy is still so strange for me. I am not sure whether to see her again or not. What more can we speak about? But a follow up session probably will be a good idea. I am afraid that I will start avoiding stuff and go back down that dark road again. I still haven't told people here at home that I am back. It's difficult because we haven't really kept in contact over the past 5 years. J* is the only person that I have made effort to see whenever I come home. But even this relationship is not what it once was. I know that I should tell her soon. I can't hide at home forever. 

Writing helps. Getting lost in my thoughts and putting them all down on paper. I can release the emotions. Set them free so that they have no power over me. I can me in control of the narrative, but I can also just simply let the words lead me to conclusions still to be realised.