Just not ready

I went to see a career assessment counselor a couple of days ago, with the hope that she might give me some more options to explore. But that’s not how the meeting went down. During our conversation, I realised that this counselor was the same person that speaks to my sister. So, even though I’m sure she meant well, she had a preconceived idea of who I was, and I think she was a little biased with her advice.

Honestly, she didn’t really offer the help that I was looking for. Basically, we spoke about my values and priorities, when it comes to choosing a career. I told her what I was thinking about doing, and then she proceeded to try and convince me to not give up on medicine, and to give it another chance. She said that medicine was the only thing that would encompass everything that I was looking for. She suggested I try another university and not think of this as a complete failure.

I understand where she is coming from, and her intentions were probably good, but she just didn’t understand me. I didn’t just give up on medicine. I tried. For 5 years I tried to make it work. But I just don’t have it in me anymore - not right now. I’m still terrified of being a doctor, and of everything that I will have to deal with in that field.

Being scared may not be a good reason for some people, but it is for me. I still have some growing up to do before I can even think of going back there. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life struggling and feeling miserable. Even if it may be worth it one day, I’m not sure whether I am willing to pay the price for all of that…

Life is too short to wait for something that may never turn out the way you hoped it would.

Truth be told

If I am truly honest with myself, I have known for a while that this place has not been good for me. 

A part of me feels relieved.  

I can’t imagine constantly struggling in this environment for the next few years of my life. It is not good for this fragile heart of mine.

I have just been in denial for so long; too afraid to accept the possibility of this not being the right path for me. yes I am still terrified. I don’t know how my future is going to unfold now. I have no  plan. No degree. No career.

But instead of focusing on all the negatives, I am going to choose to focus on all the good that has come from being here for the past 5 years. 

I have grown to love Cape Town. I have made some amazing friends that I am honoured to call family. They have supported me and helped me through such difficult times in my young life. My faith has grown stronger in the past year alone. Yes, it has been difficult and I have made some mistakes along the way, but I have refused to give it up. God's grace and mercy is enough. I will always cherish the lessons that I have learnt.

It is funny how things work out eventually. His timing is truly perfect. I do not believe that all of these things could have happened any other way. 

It had to be like this. 

I asked God to guide me through this and to show me the right path. So now I will trust that he has. Last night, someone I know in a similar situation to me, told me that she had not been reaccepted. This was before I found out myself. I found myself sending her a message that I needed to be reminded of myself:

“We must just keep believing that God’s plan is best for us. Even though we don’t understand why things happen in the ways that they do. Give yourself some time to recover. You are so much stronger because you have held on for so long. Do not doubt this. It has been difficult to keep going after the defeats that we have been through. But you have never given up. Remember that."

I believe this with all my heart.

My mentor has been one of the greatest support systems over the past few years. She says that she feels a bit relieved for me, because she has seen how difficult things have been. She believes that even though I do have the ability to make a great doctor, the reason I have struggled for so long is because my heart just has not been happy. It has been depressed. It has not been restrained for the longest time. I felt stuck, going nowhere.

And I have seen the damage.

So, she suggests that I take the next 6 months off. A gap year of sorts, and take some time to heal and rediscover what truly brings me joy. I have lost my identity over the last couple of years. 

I know that my life is not going to be easy, but it doesn’t have to be a constant battle. God has called me back home for a reason. It is time to embrace this decision and make the most of my time by enjoying life and finding some excitement.

I don’t know how my life is going to unfold. But I now have the freedom to reconnect with God and listen to His voice. I will follow where He guides me. 

I didn’t get reaccepted.

I can no longer continue studying medicine. 

One minute my life is all set up; my path, riddled with obstacles, but still laid out ahead. The next minute, my world has been completely shattered. The one thing that has defined me for the past 5 years has been taken a way. 

Who am I, if not a medical student? 

I am devastated. Failure is one thing to deal with, but rejection is something completely different. The realization that this is no longer where I belong feels unreal. 

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead

I had a meeting with my mentor again today. 

She asked me if I could honestly tell her that I still wanted to study medicine.  This is not the first time that we have spoken about this and she is not the first person to ask. Every other time I just give my default answer – Yes, without thinking about it. Because saying no would warrant an explanation.  an explanation that I don’t have yet; one that I am afraid of.

However, this time, I realised that I couldn't answer her. Instead, with tears running down my face, I told her that I don’t know any more. For the first time, I allowed myself to feel the uncertainty, without blocking it out. I have started facing my true feelings about being here, in a place that has just made me the unhappiest I have ever been.

I feel as if I’m just rolling with the punches and just submitting to this beating that life has been dishing out.

Sometimes it feels easier to just lay here and play dead. But is it really? It hurts. It hurts so much that I've learnt how to dull the pain. To give up all feeling. There comes a point when you start to run out of tears from all the crying. You realise that crying makes you feel miserable and it doesn't fix anything.

I am so scared of making a decision about whether I should stay or go that I have given it up to the university to decide my fate.

What happens if they tell me that I can continue my studies? Will I be happy? And what if they tell me that I can no longer study here? Will I feel relieved? Will that make me happier?

I guess this leaves it up to me to really think about what will make me happy. 

I don’t know what I will do if I leave this place but I also don’t know what will change if I stay. This is the uncertainty that I am struggling with. I don’t know what I’m meant to do with my life anymore. I used to be so certain about all of this.  

If I quit, I feel as if I will never get a degree or have a career. I will have nothing to account for the past 5 years of my life. But if I continue, how will I get through another year without further ruining my life by making very bad decisions?

I’m still trying to figure out why certain things have happened. My poor heart has taken such a beating already. It’s almost as if I have given up a little of my faith.  I think that I feel nothing because otherwise I would break completely. It seems that everything is spinning out of control. Fast. This feeling of hopelessness is turning into destruction.

Every day in class I look around at all these people that I barely know. All of them seemingly doing well. Do they see the failure that fills my heart? that I can’t seem to escape from? And every time I try to study, it’s like I don’t know what I should be doing. 

I just don’t know how to make this work.                                                                       

Update

The reason I came back to campus slightly earlier (on New Year’s Day) was because I had to rewrite a couple exams for one module. Out of the 3 modules I had last year, I only passed the one, and have failed the other. This means that I will have to repeat the year. This is, however, if the reaccept me and allow me to continue with the course.

When I started studying medicine, no one told me that this could happen. But even if they had, I probably would never have thought that I would be in this exact situation: reevaluating my decision to become a doctor; reevaluating my capabilities. I always thought that I was a hard worker. But over the past few years I have doubted that. I question whether I am cut out for this life. Maybe I was just fooling myself into believing that I am good enough.

It’s been tough.

The worst is fighting the demons in your head. No one else can see them except for you. And sometimes, you don’t even see them coming.  

Somewhere, deep inside my heart, a little flicker of hope remains. I want to be optimistic about the results and the possibility of having a month off. But there’s this nagging feeling that it just won’t happen. I’m just so tired of disappointing myself. I’m not sure how much more I can take.

But I still, somehow, need to work up the courage to fight. I will not let this year pass by without making the most of it. 2014 is going to be a year to be proud of, one way or another.

Life can sometimes really get you down

Sometimes find myself in tears, not really knowing why.

Everything should be fine.

But there always seems to be something that is just not quite right.

I go through every day wishing and longing for something that seems to be missing. This is puzzling, because I have all that I need. I no longer have major financial problems, and my mother recently got her job back. I have a great group of friends. I'm getting more and more involved in church and at our campus fellowship gatherings.

So why does it still sometimes feel as if I am losing control of my life?

My academics just keep getting the better of me. Studying feels impossible. It is a miracle that I have been passing so far this semester.

I am terrified of upcoming exams. I'm afraid I am going to mess everything up and have to repeat another year. I feel crippled some times, as if my mind is blocked off.

So many times I have heard that I just need to hold on to hope and walk with God, because in our weakness His strength is made perfect. There is no problem too big for His grace. I truly believe this. I pray for the strength to keep holding on and turning to His word. He loves me and He will never let me go.

A friend of mine is also struggling with her negativity and trying to overcome it by writing down 4 things that truly make her happy each day. I want to start doing this too. I believe that miracles happen every second, but I sometimes find that I hardly notice them because my eyes are blinded to all the good and tend to focus on all my shortcomings.

I want to enter into a season of relentless positivity in all aspects of my life. I want my mind to be changed from its very core, deep in my soul. My life is worth so much more than I give myself credit for.

Update: Abdo Surgery

The past two weeks have been crazy getting fully used to the hospital and the way things work around there. Who knew it could all be so complicated? Even though most of the time we were just so busy doing nothing and waiting around to be sent somewhere. And I can't even tell you the number of times I found myself lost, walking down some deserted, dodgy looking corridor!

But besides it all, it has been quite a learning experience! I've met some really great doctors that don't mind teaching whenever they have a minute to spare, and I had the privilege of speaking to and learning from some really humbling patients. Words cannot express how grateful I am to all of them for having patience with us while we fumble around looking for the right drip, or trying to draw blood like 3 times without any success. All the while they are in so much pain and are just frustrated at being stuck in hospital. It really must be tough for patients that have been in hospital for a few months to have to keep readjusting to new students with every change of rotation. I could never truly understand what it is like.

This rotation has been divided in to 2 parts: Abdominal surgery which i just finished, as well as Trauma which starts on Monday.

I assisted in my first surgery last Friday. It was absolutely surreal to be standing there. I have always known that surgery just wouldn't be something that I would study further, but it was still great being able to experience it. And I must admit, that I handled it much better than I thought I would.

The best part of the mini rotation was seeing patients on clinic day. It was really great to see patients for their check up, and to see the progress that they have made. It gives you hope that all these surgeries and long hospital stays are not always for nothing. Patients do get through it. It does really help.