Self-doubt

I screwed up. Again. It's almost as if I'm expecting myself to repeat all the same bad patterns as before. Where I leave all my studying to the last minute and end up wasting so much time; where I fail to stick to my schedule and plan. I've tried being so much more positive this time around, but once again I feel as if I've let myself down.

Things were supposed to be different now, but it seems as if I completely freeze the minute that I see that things are going well for me. And then I sabotage myself and in the end things end up going wrong. Just as I dreaded they would.

How do I stop these negative and self-doubting thoughts and words from getting the better of me? I am generally an optimistic person. I believe the best of everyone and I tend to look at the brighter side if things. So why can't I do this for myself? Wasn't passing my exams last semester proof enough that I can do this, and that I rightfully deserve to be here?? I have worked hard and earned this. This is my glorious obsession! And it's much bigger than I am. God has placed this desire and passion in my heart. I am meant to be here. I truly believe that.

So why do I keep hitting these same walls every time?