"Nobody knows the trouble I've seen"

I feel completely alone, with no one to turn to. I’m wracking my brain trying to think of a friend to open up to, but no one comes to mind. I’ve kept everyone at arm’s length for so long that I don’t know how to be any other way. Everyone has their own stuff to deal with, without me falling apart in front of them. Nobody needs to see that.

Part of me wants to reach out to *F again, but the other half is stubborn and keeps reminding me that he really hasn’t been there for me lately. He doesn’t message or call anymore, and barely responds when I do. I’m tired of going through those same motions with him.

It has been a really difficult couple of months. I'm having another one of those sleepless nights crying into my pillow, feeling completely hopeless. 

The topic of tonight is time, once again, and how quickly it is running out. Also, I’ve realised that I have no clue who I really am behind this happy mask I’ve been wearing for most of my life. 

For most of my life, I have been described as a happy child, always with a smile on my face. Someone who is warm and inviting. And although this is true about me, I just doubt whether I really know what it means to be happy with this life. Yes, I have felt happiness, but it's always fleeting - here one moment, gone the next. 

How would people see me if I wasn’t pretending to be OK? What would they think of me if they knew I was falling apart? How do you react to that? I must admit that I don't know how to respond to this either because my close friends don’t talk to me about their personal issues/ feelings. Boys are an easy issue to discuss and complain about, but it's the true feelings that are harder to put in to words. 

I'm supposed to be figuring everything out during this year off, but I don't even know where to start looking for the right answers. I feel as though I have been searching in all the wrong places, and coming up short at every turn. 

This is making me feel a little panicked, as though I need to start making those decisions now. It's already August! Applications close in September and I just can't see how to get from here to there in one piece. It's really difficult to be patient. 

I'm just so tired. Thursday can't come soon enough.