Out of the shadows

My name is Noma. I am 26 years old, and I live with my family in Port Elizabeth, South Africa.

I started blogging here many moons ago in 2011.  Back then I was a struggling 2^nd year medical student, had just ended a relationship and was feeling very homesick. I needed someone to talk to during a time when I felt isolated. Writing and blogging was a means to express my feelings, emotions and insecurities without wondering how people would react to them. I didn't want to seem vulnerable or weak in the eyes of people around me. So instead I reached out to an anonymous world where I could be myself completely. 

Over the years I have come to understand that vulnerability does not mean weakness, and that it is something that many people struggle with. Vulnerability is beautiful, and it allows connection with others.

I now feel as though this journey is not something that I need to hide anymore. Words are magical and have the power to heal and transform.

This blog is an outward expression of my heart and represents and describes things that hold great meaning for me. Things that resonates with in my heart. Thank you for allowing me to share this with you.

 Feel free to leave a comment or just say Hi! J

Happy 2016!

It has been quite a while since I last posted or updated my blog. So many things have happened in the last year that have helped me to grow. Battles have been waged, and battles have been won - but the fight is never over.

I've been struggling to write, because sometimes my mind works overtime, and I would rather it not make concrete the idiosyncrasies that plague me. I would rather have the voices and feelings silenced – even if it is only for a little while.

I've been fighting against the desire to hide. Hide my life. Hide my feelings. Hide my heart. Even though every fibre of my being is longing to reach out. It has always been my knee jerk reaction to retreat away from the outside world.

And so, I have been contemplating sharing this blog, and coming out of the shadows of anonymity. I've been weighing up the pros and the cons but I finally realise that I will never feel completely comfortable being vulnerable with people. So, I should just do it anyway! More on this to follow J

Morph

I’ve been trying to change myself for the longest time.
Trying to grow into something more.
Trying to morph into the perfect form.

This girl in the mirror is not enough.
She has never been enough.

Day after day, I wait.
Day after day I wait,
but nothing ever happens -
I am still the person I've always been;

Feeling smaller,
Slightly less than whole.
Missing pieces
broken off along the way.

-N.M-

Major update!

Last time I posted, I was feeling really stressed out about not yet having heard back from the university about studying this year... 2015 had not started off on a very good foot, and time was already flying by so fast. The last thing I wanted was to spend another year like 2014!

But a few days later I finally received my acceptance to NMMU, and things started moving forward. I was really nervous about staring all over again and I had no idea what to expect. I attended all my orientation activities, chose my subjects and registered! It was a very weird feeling. I could never have imagined being in this situation - studying in my home city, doing anything other than medicine...

Regardless, I decided to see this whole experience as turning over a new leaf. I was getting a chance to change the direction in which my life was going. How often do we actually have the liberty to really start over? So, with some encouragement from my mentor, I kept telling myself to take one little step at a time, and look on the bright side of things. 

Before I knew it things were moving full speed ahead. It must be said that starting university again at 24 is a vastly different experience to starting varsity fresh out of high school at 18. For one thing, I barely knew anyone around me. And for another, I could approach this with the wisdom and maturity that I gained from my previous experience. I feel more comfortable interacting with different people, and competent with my academic abilities. This is a pleasant change for me.

I look forward to the rest of this year and all that it entails.

Facing the unknown - again...

This year has not started off on a great note. It has barely registered that 2014 has ended. Everything has just been so dull for the past couple of months and I have just been trying to get through to the other side - wherever that may be. 

I'm still waiting to hear about my application status from the university. To say that they are dragging things would be an understatement! I really thought that I would have heard back by now. I've tried calling them but they haven't been able to offer me any useful information. I just need to know what is happening - one way or another! 

My anxiety levels have been rising for a while now. Being stuck like this again worries me, and I really wish that I had done more with last year to be better prepared for whatever is still to come.

But wishful thinking doesn't get you very far. I need to start actually making things happen for myself instead of waiting around. I just wouldn't know where to start if it all falls apart again – i.e. how to deal with another rejection... But I know that I can’t go down that dark path right now. 

As hard as it is, I must be patient and have more faith. I am not ready to throw in the chips just yet.