Mask

Underneath it all

On the surface, it all seems ok.

But underneath is where all the pain hides.

The sadddness that escapes expression.

Laying in bed with tears running down my face;

my heart silently breaking.
-N.M-

****

Random musings

My best friend and I were talking about her latest crush the other day. He is this really cute singer in a local singing group and he caught her eye on a YouTube video posted by a mutual friend. She didn’t know his name or anything, so she enlisted my services to help her find him. And without fail, I did! (I have a really good knack for stalking - I’m slightly ashamed to admit - but I have found out some really interesting info this way...)
Anyway! We were gushing about him for a little bit and then ended up talking about relationships in general. As great as the potential of having someone new in your life is, I don’t think that I am looking for a relationship right now. Ok yeah, sometimes it would be nice to have someone special to just chill with and stay up all night, having great conversations about life and our hopes and dreams. But, I'm not looking for that “forever” kind of love right now.
I have always been the kind of girl that dreams about having my very own fairytale "happy ending", but I’ve started to realise that there is way much more to the story than just meeting Prince Charming and riding off into the sunset.

In the meantime, I’ll be dreaming about our meet-cute and all the things we'll one day do together...

I've always wanted...

... to be kissed on the beach, with the waves breaking on the shore in front of us, while watching the sun set.

In a perfect world...

I love being at home. But it still comes with its own set of problems. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t have to be a part of it all. I know that it is a little unfair for me to say this. But I just can’t deal with it. Why is it that everything is just so difficult? I know that there is a reason for everything, and that God has a plan for our lives, but at the same time I just cant help wondering why it all has to hurt so much.

In a perfect world, we would have everything that we needed.

Homemade pizza and wine

So this past weekend was pretty good, (besides its emotional ups and downs). My best friend, J, stayed over on Friday. We originally planned to go out a little but then she wasn't in the mood really, so we stayed in and made homemade pizzas and drank some wine. It’s always good to catch up after a while of not seeing each other. Although, I feel as if there is something that she may not be telling me. I have no idea what it could be, but hopefully if it’s anything, she’ll feel free to share it with me.

On Saturday, the two of us plus my sisters, went to this little music festival that was in town. It was a quaint little affair, but not much was going on. We ended up just walking around until we ran in to my sister’s friends from varsity. They are pretty cool people. I met them last time I was home and had some fun with them.

The weather took a turn for the worst, so one of them suggested that we all go back to her place before the rain sets in.

We were all gathered in her vintage little house when someone suggested playing the drinking game "Never Have I Ever". It was great fun, and filled with a lot of laughter. Some of the things that came out about them really were quite shocking! I was stunned and left a little speechless! I mean I'm not a prude or anything, but it was just surprising to see how open most of them were about their sexuality.

In a way it is a good thing. I'm still trying to come to terms with sex not being the major issue it was while we were still younger. I in no way mean that it's not still be a big deal; I just mean that it’s not an awkward topic of discussion. And I suppose it has become the social "norm" around people of my age. I'm not willing to change my values, but I am ready to be more aware of its presence.

I think this is one of the things that scare me a little about future relationships. Will I be able to find a guy that will be as willing to accept my beliefs as my ex was? And will he be open and honest about all his past sexual relationships?

I guess that the only way to find all that out is to go ahead and take a few risks. All calculated, of course! A little experience couldn’t hurt.

J

Lesson's learnt

 

Life is never what it seems, and is often unexpected. But God always gives you what you need. He will never lead you where he knows you won't be ok. In every situation there is always a lesson to be learnt. It may not always be clear to us, but I guess this is where faith comes in. Faith that even though we can't see where we are going or why things are happening the way that they are, God has a mighty plan. 

Looking back

For some reason I can't help thinking that it will almost be a full year since I've been in a relationship. It seems as if so many things have happened in this one year. I've had my heart broken... My academics went from not the greatest to completely hopeless and I ended up failing my year... I realised that not everyone is what they seem and that people (or guys more specifically) can lie to you sometimes. {- excuse my mini pity party..} 

But at the same time, I know that I am not the same girl that I was a year ago. In the last year I have found the courage to; end an already dying relationship, to go out and meet all sorts of different people and to make new friends. I’ve been realising so many things about myself and noticed aspects that I’d like to change.  

Now I don't want to be one of those girls that is still hung up on her ex (while he has happily moved on and is dating someone else). I won't complain that little memories still pop into my mind, or that the slightest thing sometimes reminds me of him… No! I want to be the girl that accepts that a 2 year relationship takes time to get over and to heal completely; and that doesn't rush into anything too soon. I want to be the girl that grows stronger and more independent learning from all her mistakes and awkward moments. That is who I want to be. I might stumble along the way, but that's ok, because every time I fall, I’ll just get back up, dust my knees off and keep going. 

My mountain to climb

This past holiday/ time off I have stood at the foot of my mountain and watched the days go by.  Sometimes I would gather the courage to try going up on one path, but I'd get distracted along the way and venture off. Every now and again I'd make some progress. But sometimes I'd find myself going in circles, stuck at an obstacle, "put off by the weather" or too taken up by a new distraction.

The time spent at home has been good, but looking back, I can't account for all of it.

And this seems to be a recurring theme with me. So while taking time off might sound like something I need to do, I feel that I would only end up at the same place as I am now after my time has passed.

I think it is important to stop trying to make my life lighter or simpler. I need to accept that my life is, and always will be complicated. And there is nothing wrong with that.

I have also realised that I don't adapt to changes in my plans too well. For example, I had a plan in my mind of what I hoped my time at home would be like, but things didn't turn out exactly that way. And as much as I love being home, it can be a little discouraging sometimes. I know that I should make the most of it, and use it as inspiration to change things, but knowing something isn't the same as doing it.

I really did love the mountain metaphor from my mentor, and it sums up everything perfectly. So, now all that's left is for me to keep on walking up my mountain with my block and trust that at some point I will get another chance to sort through it.

Daydreamer

You have your head up in the clouds...

Moments

I'll be there for you

"Even if you're rich, even if your poor, every breath you breathe I'll be there for you. Even if you're strong, even if you’re not, every breathe you breathe I'll be there for you."

- Parlotones

Just hang in there...

Sitting here, I'm at a loss for words. Or maybe it’s just because I’m holding back. I have been building up a wall around all my emotions to try and keep them in. I guess that I am scared of what may be released if I let it all out. I need to be in control. Without control I will be left vulnerable - and that’s the last thing that I want to be. I can’t afford to fall apart. 

Falling apart will take time and energy to put everything back together again; time that I don’t have, and energy that could be best used elsewhere. 

For now, I think it will be best to just give it all up. Let God take care of all these issues that surround me. I still believe that everything will work out. I think I just need to remember that our time may not be God’s time – meaning that even though we feel that something has to happen now, God has an even better time schedule and plan for us.

So, as I have been telling most of my friends lately, I just need to hang in there, let go and let God...

Gotta be somebody

This time I wonder what it feels like. To find the one in this life. The one we all dream of. But dreams just aren't enough. So I'll be waiting for the real thing. I'll know it by the feeling. The moment when we're meeting will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen. So I'll be holding my own breath. Right up to the end, until that moment when I find the one that I'll spend forever with. ©  

 - Nickelback

I just want to live

I just want to live.

Be free.

Do my own thing.

Be creative.

Write my heart out.

See the world through a different perspective.

Breathe.

Feel my beating heart.

The blood pulsing through my veins.

Experience the different things that life has to offer.

Take risks.

Make mistakes.

Learn from them.

Grow.

Mature.

Become the woman that I was destined to be.

Enjoy this rollercoaster ride,

Screaming from the thrill of all the ups and downs. Ó 
-N.M-

A part of me

Lessons learnt...

"What's worse?"

“New wounds which are so horribly painful or old wounds that should have healed years ago and never did? Maybe our old wounds teach us something. They remind us where we’ve been and what we’ve overcome. They teach us lessons about what to avoid in the future. That’s what we like to think. But that’s not the way it is, is it? Some things we just have to learn over and over and over again.”

-       Grey’s Anatomy

The one that broke your heart

Dear Guji,

This letter has taken me some time to write. I guess I just couldn't find the right words to say to sum up all my emotions. I think at first I was trying to just move on. I honestly believed that our break up was mutual and that we could still one day be friends. But after a few months, and after hearing the way you spoke about me to J, and after you started seeing someone else, I realised that I am, in fact, angry. 

Firstly, I need to say that I’m happy for you. You found exactly what you always wanted - A girl that no one can judge you for being in love with.

But at the same time, I am just so angry at myself for being hurt. I’m getting over you. And I know that our relationship wasn’t working anymore. For many more reasons, other than just the distance. I just can’t help wishing that I didn't wait that long to realise it. And I wish that you could have owned up to the way you really felt. I didn’t realise this, but I felt so inferior to your family and to your friends. I doubted myself in so many ways. 

I got so used to guarding your feelings that I ended up hurting myself in the process.

After all the bullshit you told me about not being able to have what you want and that it would be so difficult for you to move on from me. How could I have believed you so easily?

You hurt me. Damn. You hooking up with a million other girls would have hurt less than this. It feels almost as if you were ashamed of our relationship - ashamed of me. And the worst thing is that it’s almost as if I never existed in your life.

It took me some time to realise this, but I deserve much more than the relationship that we had. 

I know that in the beginning I told you that it wouldn't matter, but I honestly thought that our cultural differences wouldn't affect us. I guess I was lying to you as much as I was lying to myself. 

All those empty promises mean nothing to me anymore, and the last thing that I want to be, is your friend. I am not bitter or resentful. You deserve to find happiness, and one day, I will too. 

Rainbow

Someone deceased you wish you could talk to

Dear Mish,

I still think of you. I think of the life that you have lost. So suddenly. So unexpectedly. I know that it has been a few years already, but I wish that you were still around. Would you have respected me and been proud of the person that I have become?

I will never forget that day, March 17th 2006. We were so close, yet so far, and far too late. 

You were almost like the big brother I never had. I remember that time when you stayed with us for a few months. You were so confident - so sure of yourself; almost to a fault. I know that we argued a lot, but I think it was mostly because of our stubborn personalities that tended to clash. You may not have known this, but I looked up to you.

I wish that I could have gotten to know you better. Maybe things would have turned out differently for both of us. I know that you had a difficult life growing up. But you were so close to becoming the independent young man that you were working so hard towards. We were all so proud.

Your family still needs you. You’re mother still mourns you. Their lives have never been the same. I don’t think there is a day that goes by that doesn’t hurt just a little – even though they are doing the best that they can.

Sometimes life isn’t fair. Things happen that cannot be explained. But we just have to trust in God’s reasoning. He knows what is best. I pray that your soul is at peace.

I wish that I had gotten the chance to tell you this sooner, but I love you cuz. I will always remember that cocky smile of yours. The one that made all the girls’ hearts melt...

You will always be in my heart. ♥

                   Rainbow

Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason ♥

 - Marilyn Monroe

Lessons learnt...

I've always wanted...

... to fall asleep under the stars, in the arms of someone that I love and that means the world to me.

Quote: Nobody can go back...

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,

but you can go forward and start a new ending...

Hope you like the new look :)

Please feel free to leave a comment, rate your reaction to any posts that you have read, and/or vote on the poll about my blog. You're input would really be appreciated ♥

Perspective

Post - Exam Update

The past couple of weeks have been filled with many ups and downs.... it feels like a lifetime has passed in a mere two months. But I guess that's how it usually feels around exam time.

I wish that this wasn’t the case though. I wish that I could report back that I found these exams wonderfully challenging. That I was completely prepared and that I used all my time wisely. But sadly, this isn’t the way things ended up. Once again it felt like a struggle to get through. And even so, I’m still left with some doubts in my mind. I pray with all my heart that I can make it through this semester. But I am disappointed in myself. I know that I did not do all the things that I promised myself. I didn’t give it my best shot. 

I have tried to sort out what my (mental) block has been this year. I have even tried putting it aside to focus on what is important to me. But sometimes it still feels too big to move passed and it is almost as if I’m just watching time pass by.

However, I have the next 2 weeks off on an OFFICIAL holiday to try and figure everything out. This time, I have nothing hanging over my head. So, I can just breathe. Guilt free. 

"I wish to remain nameless,

And live without shame.

'Coz what's in a name?

I still remain the same..."

- Florence + The Machine

Caught in the headlights

Sometimes I feel like a deer,
caught in the headlights.
Too stunned to move.
Body frozen in time.
Helpless in the face of danger.
I know I should react -
MOVE! -
Jump out of the way!
Yet here I stand.
Staring straight into the eyes of my doom.
Already accepting defeat.
-N.M-

The waves keep pulling me under...

This, has become my new home…