Cynical; A definition

cyn·i·cal 

adj.

1. Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others

2. Selfishly or callously calculating

3. Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness

4. Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism or negativity

Mothers are only human too

My mother has been booked off from work for a month by a psychologist that she has seen about her work problems. Nothing has been resolved since she went back in August. Instead, it has just been getting worse. The psychologist also referred her to see a psychiatrist and she is now taking antidepressants.

This is all difficult to deal with. She pretends that she is OK; that she is just doing this because of the work stuff, but that is just the tip of the iceberg. But I don’t think that she is ready to face that just yet.

I know that this may seem a little delayed, but it’s almost as if I only just recently realised that my mother is struggling to keep everything together. To me, she has always been this really strong woman that has the answers to everything. And it breaks my heart to see her weaknesses.

I can’t help wishing that she would take control of her life and make decisions for herself and not worry about everyone else. But I guess that it is not as simple as that. We (my sisters and I) have always been her number one priority.

Since I have been home, I have distanced myself from her. Our relationship isn't the same as it was when I only saw her a couple weeks at a time. But then again, I am not the same person I was when I left home. And it’s just too difficult to share all of my issues with her. I don’t want her to try and fix me. I need to figure this out on my own. 

I am glad that she has taken these first steps. It takes courage to face your problems head on. And I strongly believe that my mother will get through it all. 

We all will, one way or another.

Stationary

I’m so fucking frustrated with my life. It feels as though we are standing stationary while everything around me keeps moving -

Time.

People.

Life.

It feels as though every time we (my family and I) take a step forward, something comes along and drags us two steps back.

It’s just so fucking unfair.

I have conversations like this in my head far too often these days. I want to be more optimistic but that’s just too fucking draining. Everything is too fucking draining.

I just want to get away.

Far, far away.

 But that requires money. Money requires a job. Finding a job requires experience.

And sadly, I’m in possession of none of these things. 

Quote: It's kinda fucked up

Tonight I shed a tear

Tonight I shed a tear, 
for the love that I never quite had, 
but always silently hoped for;
And for friendship that I held on to so tightly.

It seemed like the only certainty 
when everything was falling down around me.

The past few nights 
I've been trying to figure out what changed.
All the while missing you, 
and trying not to show it.

It just meant so much that you understood.
You cared enough to seek for more 
than just the surface of my thoughts.

I depended on you, 

but maybe I shouldn't have.
I knew you could never save me.

I thought you trusted me,

enough to share all that you're going through
and simply be honest with me.

I thought that I was important to you.

I said that I’d always fight 

for us to stay in some kind of relationship -  
whatever shape or form; 
and promised to never run and hide.
But you can’t fight with someone that walks away.

So instead, 
I'll fight every urge to message you,

or demand answers for your silence.

The truth is, I might never see you again -
Only the future can tell whether our paths will cross once more.

I will no longer hold on to you -

I’m finally letting you go.
I’m letting us go.

-N.M-

I wrote this a few months ago, but wasn't ready to share it yet. But it feels just as relevant now as it did back then. The only difference is that I didn't quite let go. I was constantly going back and forth on my word. I kept falling in love with him, when I should have known better. Walking away hurts. But with each step I grow stronger. 

Relationships are certainly not for the faint-hearted.