Half life

“Don’t call it a life, this half-hearted wandering through all of your days.”- Tyler Knott Gregson

I’m tired of this half-life that I have been living the past couple of days especially. Nothing really makes me happy anymore. It’s difficult for me to say this out loud, but I can’t help hating everything about my life, and I can’t see any way forward. I hate that I am living under this dark cloud of negativity, and I feel no motivation or drive to change anything.  I feel hopeless.

I almost ran into my ex, Guji, the other day. This city is way too small.  My friends and I were standing right behind him and his girlfriend. The second that I realised it was them, I turned right around and half ran to a safe distance away, dragging everyone with me. It was a gut reaction; my heart was beating so fast I didn’t have a chance to think it through. It was awful. I feel completely unequipped to deal with my life right now.

Is it too much to ask that my life be simple and easy? That is what this year was supposed to be about, fixing things and finding happiness, but I can barely get through a day without feeling drained and miserable.

I want to run. To run far, far away but I’m just too scared. I’m tired of having these same issues and of using the same excuses to avoid dealing with things. My heart is broken. I feel so completely broken, and I don’t know how to fix any of it.  

I'm fucking tired.

Truth is...

Truth is, 

I’m not strong enough 

to fight for you.

Right now, holding on to you,

would mean losing myself in you.

-N.M-

I can't...

I can't undo what has already been done.
I can't take back the mistakes I've made.
I can't pretend that none of this has happened.
I can't rewrite my history and erase all the struggles I've been through.
I can't wash away the tears I've cried or minimise the pain I've felt.
I can't look back at the past and make it all magically disappear,

no matter how much I really want to.

Just not ready

I went to see a career assessment counselor a couple of days ago, with the hope that she might give me some more options to explore. But that’s not how the meeting went down. During our conversation, I realised that this counselor was the same person that speaks to my sister. So, even though I’m sure she meant well, she had a preconceived idea of who I was, and I think she was a little biased with her advice.

Honestly, she didn’t really offer the help that I was looking for. Basically, we spoke about my values and priorities, when it comes to choosing a career. I told her what I was thinking about doing, and then she proceeded to try and convince me to not give up on medicine, and to give it another chance. She said that medicine was the only thing that would encompass everything that I was looking for. She suggested I try another university and not think of this as a complete failure.

I understand where she is coming from, and her intentions were probably good, but she just didn’t understand me. I didn’t just give up on medicine. I tried. For 5 years I tried to make it work. But I just don’t have it in me anymore - not right now. I’m still terrified of being a doctor, and of everything that I will have to deal with in that field.

Being scared may not be a good reason for some people, but it is for me. I still have some growing up to do before I can even think of going back there. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life struggling and feeling miserable. Even if it may be worth it one day, I’m not sure whether I am willing to pay the price for all of that…

Life is too short to wait for something that may never turn out the way you hoped it would.

Tiny cracks all across the surface

Have I ever truly been whole? 

There are little pieces chipped away on the inside of me, 

and tiny cracks all across the surface. 

But from a distance you’d never say – 

because everything appears picture perfect.

"The feelings that hurt most"

"The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd - The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world's existence. All these half-tones of the soul's consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are."

Fernando Pessoa 

Portuguese poet and writer 

(1888 -1935)

"The tough thing about falling in love"

"The tough thing about falling in love is when people forget to mention that sometimes your heart takes you to places that you shouldn't be; places that are scary as they are exciting and as dangerous as they are alluring. Sometimes your heart takes you to places that can never lead to a happy ending." 

Letter to my love #1

Sometimes I think that my life would be so much easier if you were here with me.

I dream of you holding me while I cry myself to sleep at night. When I feel lost and afraid, I'll know that with your arms wrapped around me, I'll be safe. Your comforting sounds will ease away the heartache.

I know you can't save me, I don't want that of you. I just need to know that you are real, and within my reach. I want to be sure that you see my light, even in my darkest moments; and that you see my worst, but choose stay, over and over again.

I will give you my heart, and I'll take care of yours. I promise to love you unconditionally. And when you feel as though life keeps pulling you down, I'll be right by your side, a pillar to hold on to. You'll never be alone. Trust me.

I want to talk to you so desperately, at this very moment. But I will try to be patient.

I love you.

Exposed

I told *F that I was afraid of losing him or of us drifting apart. His response was that this was a reasonable fear, and that he already knew that I felt that way. This startled me. Perhaps it’s not that big a deal, but I never let anyone really get that close to my heart. Telling him all these things makes me feel way too vulnerable. Exposed. I’m too used to being hurt by people eventually, that it is best to keep them at a distance. No one can truly be trusted with your heart – I’ve learnt this lesson the hard way.  

As I gaze upon the sea

Standing on the shore, while the ice cold waves gently break against my legs, 

i look out into the great mass of blue. 

It is so beautiful here. 

these waves refresh my spirit; 

i almost feel renewed. 

if only this feeling could last...

if only these waves could wash away my troubles altogether- 

i would submerge myself; 

give in to the sea completely.  

it is inevitable

I’m afraid of growing up,

but time keeps aging me. 

I want to scream STOP! -

but there's no slowing it down.

It is inevitable

that life goes on.

No matter how many nights

you cry yourself to sleep,

life goes on.

-N.M- 

When I say... "I am a Christian" by Maya Angelou

“When I say… “I am a Christian”

I’m not shouting “I’m clean livin’.”

I’m whispering “I was lost,

Now I’m found and forgiven.”

When I say… “I am a Christian”

I don’t speak of this with pride.

I’m confessing that I stumble

and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say… “I am a Christian”

I’m not trying to be strong.

I’m professing that I’m weak

And need His strength to carry on.

When I say… “I am a Christian”

I’m not bragging of success.

I’m admitting I have failed

And need God to clean my mess.

When I say… “I am a Christian”

I’m not claiming to be perfect,

My flaws are far too visible

But, God believes I am worth it.

When I say… “I am a Christian”

I still feel the sting of pain.

I have my share of heartaches

So I call upon His name.

When I say… “I am a Christian”

I’m not holier than thou,

I’m just a simple sinner

Who received God’s good grace, somehow.”

― Maya Angelou

I'm terrified of life leaving me behind

I miss my heater,

Warming my tiny little room, miles from here. 

There I was alone with my thoughts -

Solitude was my confidant.

Snuggled in my bed, listening to the rain fall.

I had an idea of where my life was headed;

With some sense of a future. 

Now all that is gone. 

But this is not all bad.

There is family here - 

Love and support. 

I just wish that my mind wasn't so muddled. 

I wish that I was more grateful. 

I just hate that I feel as though

I am going nowhere slowly.

Time is running out. 

I have unknown deadlines -

Because I know I can't sit idly forever. 

Life must go on. 

And it will –

With or without me. 

And I’m terrified of being left behind.

-N.M-

I just wish to suppress this anxiety

i just wish to suppress this anxiety long enough to breathe;

if only for a second.

the future is daunting, and time is closing in.

My patience is fading and the pressure is mounting. 

i don't know what to do to lift this shadow 

that clouds my mind and renders all thoughts negative and cynical.

i am left here helpless, in despair. 

Where's all the love?

It turns out that a hot new relationship wasn’t *F’s big news. But, I actually wish that it was. I want him to be happy. We had a good conversation. It’s always great hearing from him. The only downfall is that every time we catch up like this I realise how much I miss seeing him.

I’ve realised that I don’t have any real life relationship role models in my family and no one else that I know personally.  My parents aren’t happy. They have their own fair share of problems. We aren’t really close to any of our relatives, but I can still tell that my aunts and uncles don’t have that deep passionate kind of love that I always thought should make a marriage.

Is anyone out there truly happy? What happens to all the love after years of being together? Does it all fizzle out? And you just stay together for convenience, or because you just can’t see your life any other way?

This scares me. As cliché as it sounds, I want a love so deep that the ocean would be jealous. And I don’t want that love to ever end. I know that it can’t be all fireworks forever, but I hope that it evolves into something so much more. I want joy that will overcome all the struggles that we may be faced. I want to be secure in his love, and never doubt that he would choose me over and over again. Is this too much of a stretch?

None of my close friends are in relationships either. J* is seeing someone but it seems that he is just a squeeze, and more trouble than he is worth, in my opinion. And let’s not get started on my love life, or lack thereof. Since my ex, there’s just been randomness, mistakes and complicated feelings. And I haven’t been on a real date in about 3 years!

But, I must admit, that as much as I miss being in love, I don’t think that right now I am ready for any serious relationship. I need to make some decisions about my future, and I can be too easily influenced by love. I need my head clear and not stuck in the clouds.  

And when I am ready, I believe that love will find me. Until such a time, I'll try to keep my heart open,  and fill it with all the love I can find around me. 

For women who are 'difficult' to love

Warsan Shire - "For Women Who Are Difficult To Love"