Update: Difficult conversations

I tried speaking to my father about the Au Pair thing, but the whole conversation just upset me. He doesn't understand anything, and I don’t know how to make him see things the way that I do. Instead he just asked a whole lot of questions and undermined the whole idea.

Apparently he is worried that he will have to retire in 3 years and I still won’t have any qualification; and he won’t be able to pay for my studies. He asked whether I was now completely done with medicine, and if there was any way that I could go back to it. He also asked if I had spoken to someone about any other career options.

He said that, without a degree in this country I will have problems finding a good job, and he’s worried that I will end up struggling (financially) in the same way that he has been for most of his life. Then he made an example of my sister (final year Law) that will at least have a degree next year and can decide whether she wants to study further or work.

I stood there almost speechless as he just kept speaking. Yes, I know that he has some valid concerns, but he just wasn't giving me a chance. I started feeling like a complete failure all over again. I felt useless, like a child incapable of making her own decisions and I'm still so confused. 

He is so closed minded, how will I ever be able to make him understand that medicine scares me. I am terrified of who I may become, and of what my life as a doctor will be like. I am afraid of all that responsibility and the pressure of working with people fighting for their lives but still just being helpless and not able to control anything. It's enough to make any one run for the hills. 

And yet I still keep asking myself if I'm just being ridiculous trying to find something that will make me happy.Or maybe my fear is just blocking me from seeing that this really is where my passion lies. I really don't know anymore.