"A chance to start over"

"When a natural disaster - such as a flood or a fire - ravages the landscape, it gives Mother Nature a chance to start over. She gets to build things in a new and inspired way. Trees will rise up through the devastation. The river may take a different course. Flowers and other vegetation may take advantage of the new canvas and sprout up in unexpected places. Even though you have been through something emotional, you are not in ruins. You will soon have a chance to spring up from a feeling of devastation and rise once again toward the sun."

Please find me soon...

My dreams have been plagued by knights in shining armour... A strong bold man that has come to sweep me off my feet. He takes me in his arms and never wants to let go. He looks deeply into my eyes, and without hesitation, he kisses me passionately. I want this dream to last forever. I want it to be real.

But it's not. And when I open my eyes I am filled with a feeling of loss as I slowly come to my senses and realise that it was all just my subconscious mind playing tricks on me. So to hide the disappointment, I brush it off. I'm better off anyway. I force myself to think about all the hurt that men cause. The lying, the cheating and vulnerability that comes with a relationship. "I don't need that in my life", I tell myself over and over again.

It's almost as if I am afraid to love again. I want to shelter my heart and keep it safe. It's too precious and delicate to be broken once more. It might not recover this time.

I just want to skip all this bullshit and find the one man that will make me his wife and a mother to his children. The one that will never dream of hurting me, and that will respect me for who I am. He will understand and appreciate all my flaws, and day by day we will grow together, becoming a force to be reckoned with.

I know he's out there. Somewhere.
Please find me soon. Until that day, I will be waiting, as patiently as I can.

Morning break

Right now, I'm sitting outside on a bench waiting for my next lecture to start. The day is absolutely beautiful. With blue skies, the sun shining and the birds chirping in the trees. There's a slight breeze and people around me chatting in goups or walking to where they need to be. But here I sit alone. Content in my solitude. Lost in the endless thoughts running through my mind. They are enough to keep me company.  Making small talk with someone would be a distraction.

I feel so tired. I need to draw some energy from somewhere to get through the rest of this day. Lectures until 15:00. Gym. Study.

I miss home. And I miss my mother most of all. At least I only have 2 weeks here until I get to go home for a week's holiday.

Our Annual House Dance

View from the dance floor

Last night was amazing! There were were a few hitches in the beginning, like the water on campus being shut off!! But it was sorted out promptly and everyone could continue their grooming as planned... I tried to curl my hair, but it didn't stay for very long, so I had it straight down. I wore a long, simple black dress and peep-toe shoes, with silver accessories, and completed my outfit with a black mask. 

I enjoyed the night with friends and the conversation around our table was nice and light. The food was great but the wine was absolutely terrible... It went straight to my head! But the effects didn't last too long, fortunately enough!

The venue looked absolutely beautiful - all our hard work and long hours really paid off! The theme was Midsummer Night's Masquerade and everyone turned up in beautiful evening gowns and suits, accompanied by mysterious masks of every style, shape and colour. It looked fantastic!

Candles lining the entrance to the venue

A few cocktail drinks with little kisses :)

The seating arrangements

Before all the glitz and glamour... comes all the hard work!

My residence is holding our annual grand House Dance on Friday! :D It is basically just a formal banquet where we all get a chance to take a break from our studies, get all dressed up and celebrate the past year. Our theme this year is Midsummer Night’s Masquerade and it is a requisite to wear a masquerade mask.

This year I'm on the dance planning committee, so I have been doing a little running around selling tickets and helping with what I can. Last night we went to set up the decor and it took all night to get done! We were at the venue from 4pm and I only got back to campus past midnight! It was a reaaaaly long and busy night but was totally worth it. The place looks really amazing.

Now, I have a couple of late lectures and then I have to rush to get my hair and everything done.... It's always such a mission but I think the best part of these dances is the time before the actual event, the planning, getting all dressed up and doing your hair and nails. Yay! It's going to be a great night. :)

"There are going to be days..."

There are going to be days when you won’t have the energy or drive to get out of bed. There are going to be days when you’re going to want to give up – give up on love, life, or school. The thing is, you’re not allowed to give up. You were given a life and you’re supposed to live it. The truth is the seventy or eighty years that you’re given isn’t long enough to do the things you’re supposed to do. Sure, you’re gonna hit a few bumps along the way, but you’ve got to pick yourself up and move on. Life is unpredictable and things might not always work out the way you want them to, but that’s no reason to give up. You’re here for a reason and someday when you’re not expecting it, you’re going to discover your reason for being here. And when that does happen, your life will never be the same again. - unknown

livelifehappy.com

"Be who you are"

The Beauty of a woman

Having faith gives us a future

The message in church on Sunday was about faith. Below is just a few notes and my understanding.

Pastor Phil Dooley of Hillsong Church Cape Town.

"You may not know what the future holds, but you know who holds your future."


Faith is so powerful.

Hebrews 11v1:
To have faith, is to be sure of the things we hope for and to be certain of the things we cannot see.

Faith is trusting in God. It is not just striving, but pressing forward and trusting God that as I live for Him, He will provide. God is big enough to handle what is going on in our lives. He will come to meet you. Always. God believes in each one of us.

As long as you welcome Jesus with an open heart, then He can use you.

Faith is seeing something that is not there YET.
Faith is believing something that has not happened YET.
Faith is thanking God for something that hasn't happened YET.
"YET" is a faith word. It says that it is still possible.

To build faith, you have to go back to the word of God.

Hebrews 11v6
"It is impossible to please God without faith. Anyone who comes to Him must believe that God exists and that he rewards those who sincerely seek Him."
To grow your faith:

1. Speak in faith

Sometimes God places things on your heart that you may not understand, but have faith and follow that instinct. That inner voice that guides you when you are quiet enough to hear it. Share His word at every chance that you get.

2. See faith

Start to see what God has planned for your future.

If you keep seeing only the obstacles, the things blocking your way, you won't be able to see the everything that God has planned for your future. Imagine it. Dreams it. And believe that it will come true.

3. Thank God in faith

Before it has even happened. Thank God now and believe that it is still coming. Trust that God has perfect timing. And our timing is usually a little off course. So thank Him now, for God has a grand plan. And He can make all things possible.

***

Throughout the message pastor Phil shared a few stories with us and they were truly magnificent to hear. Its always so inspirational and moving to hear and see how God is working in different people's lives. Nothing is too small or too big for Him. And the Lord loves us all equally. It always amazes me to see how different everyone around me in church is. This is one of the things I love most, God doesn't judge us on who we are. Because He made us all individually, each and every one of us is different.

Jeremiah 1v5
" I knew you before I formed you in your mother's womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations."

No matter where you are, and no matter who you are, He will find you.

Everything in life is temporary

Free weekend!!!

After every module, we get a weekend off. This means, no guilty feelings about the huge amount of studying that we still have to do. It is free of all stress and we can just enjoy doing whatever we like, granted that you don’t keep worrying about how badly the last test went…  

Usually I don’t have a problem putting tests behind me once I finish… I mean, there is no point worrying about things that you can’t change, right? I just have to wait and see if I have high enough marks to write the exam…..

There is truly no way to escape stress around here! BUT, on the bright side, I’m just really happy to finally have that module over and done with.  I just want to get this whole year over with as quickly as possible! And it won’t be long before final exams are here. I have 2 more modules left. They are shorter than the previous ones, though it doesn’t mean that they will be any less work…

Big Sigh…..

But, I have been having a nice weekend. Nothing exciting has happened, but it’s been good and restful.

I donated blood on Friday, a couple of hours after the test. It wasn’t really the best idea, given that I was tired and I felt a little weak afterwards. But I wanted to donate this time. The blood drive service doesn’t come around very often, and previously my Iron levels had been a little too low to be able to donate.  But this time, everything was good to go. I’ve done it many times before, but for some reason, this time; I was thinking about the blood flowing out of my tiny veins that will one day be of use to someone that needs it.

Saturday, I went to church in the morning. There was this Sisterhood service, for woman and children of all ages. It was wonderful to be there and the message was truly powerful. The church was almost bursting at its seams because it was so full! And there was hardly any place to sit! It was honestly amazing to see so many women gathered there with a few guys serving and welcoming us all in as we queued up outside.

Just the people queued up outside, waiting to find space inside the church!

All in all, it has been a good weekend. I hope that everyone, or anyone, out there reading this has had a good weekend too. Feel free to send me an email or comment anytime on anything. 

Happy Sunday! J

"I won't give up"

"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily.

I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make.

Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use the tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stake." 

- Jason Mraz <3

Self-doubt

I screwed up. Again. It's almost as if I'm expecting myself to repeat all the same bad patterns as before. Where I leave all my studying to the last minute and end up wasting so much time; where I fail to stick to my schedule and plan. I've tried being so much more positive this time around, but once again I feel as if I've let myself down.

Things were supposed to be different now, but it seems as if I completely freeze the minute that I see that things are going well for me. And then I sabotage myself and in the end things end up going wrong. Just as I dreaded they would.

How do I stop these negative and self-doubting thoughts and words from getting the better of me? I am generally an optimistic person. I believe the best of everyone and I tend to look at the brighter side if things. So why can't I do this for myself? Wasn't passing my exams last semester proof enough that I can do this, and that I rightfully deserve to be here?? I have worked hard and earned this. This is my glorious obsession! And it's much bigger than I am. God has placed this desire and passion in my heart. I am meant to be here. I truly believe that.

So why do I keep hitting these same walls every time?

When the days all look the same...

It's hard to tell what day it currently is... They've all started to merge together, with each one being exactly the same! For the past few days I've been trying to study for tests that I have coming up on Wednesday and Friday. We finished classes on Tuesday and have been "lucky" enough to have this time to just study. And it doesn't help that the weather has been miserable all weekend. Lots of rain and a terrible wind has been blowing. So I haven't been outside in a while either... Arrgh!

So initially, my plan of action was to draw up a timetable and try to cover a little bit of everything everyday so that I can get through most of it. But its been going slower than anticipated and I've fallen behind. But I don't feel stressed out insanely, yet. Its different to before. I am nervous and worried that I won't finish in time, but I guess I just have to keep on doing what I can. I can only hope that it goes a lot better than last year. I want to do well for a change and not just scrape through.

And now I guess I best just keep on, keeping on...

It's all a distant memory...

It's always great to look back at the past and see how far you've come, and how different things are now. As time passes, everything begins to feel like a distant memory and it's almost as if none of it actually happened. All the emotions and feelings are gone, but at that time and in that moment, it felt like there was no getting passed all the obstacles that stood in the way.

But all the difficult times are only temporary, and the only way to overcome them is to tackle them head on. Have faith and believe that you will get through it. God will never give you a challenge that you can't handle. And He is always right by your side. He will never leave.

Eventually all things, good or bad, will come to an end. So it's up to you what you take away from it. You can decide whether or not to hold on to the pain and the hurt, or whether you let it go, and allow yourself to grow stronger because of it.

It may be easier said than done, but I have been going through so much over the last couple of years, and there are so many things that have changed about me and about my life. I'm far from perfect, but I am growing, and I believe that, with Gods continued help and guidance, I will achieve all the dreams and receive the desires that He has placed in my heart.

With God, all things are possible.

Until the day these memories fade

How is it that one moment you could feel a love that is so enchanting and that lights up all the corners of your heart, and the next moment you notice that all those feelings have started to fade?  You begin to realise that sometimes, love is not enough. You discover things about each other that make your heart ache to its very core.

Even though distance separated us for most of our relationship, we still held on. I fell in love with you. And I know you loved me too. The miles between us meant nothing at all. The little time that we did spend together was amazing. We had so much fun. It was exciting and I loved everything about you, even your weird little quirks.

I miss the way you used to look at me. I could feel your love with every touch. Our cultural differences were almost non-existent when we were in our own world alone together.

But in real life, I was only a secret.

At first, I accepted it because I didn't think it was that big a deal. All that mattered was you and me. My family had no problem at all. We all welcomed you into our home. You became such an important part of my life. So I chose to believe that everything would be okay.

And for a long time, it was. We grew closer, even though distance separated us. We'd speak for hours over the phone... I loved hearing your voice. Not a day would pass without chatting to you, or knowing how you were. You became my best friend. I could tell you anything. And even if you playfully teased me, I knew you would never judge me. 

I guess that I always knew that you’d never tell your family about us. You didn’t pretend that you would. But I really wanted to believe that you'd change your mind eventually, and that you're love for me would overwhelm you and you'd no longer want to keep me a secret. So, I tried to pretend that it didn't matter, to forget all the problems we had and make everything better.

But there was no escaping the feelings I kept bottled up inside.

All those emotions and feelings of doubt really started to slowly escape until it erupted at the surface. And then came the realization that this relationship just wasn’t working anymore; it was hurting more than it should. It was time to face the truth. Suddenly one day when I was tired of fighting a losing battle all by myself, the words escape my lips, "It’s over. I can’t do this anymore." And just like that, a massive hole grew in my heart.

For many days that followed, I kept telling myself that this was the right thing to do. And now I truly do believe it. I deserve better.

I tried to be your friend at first - I still cared for you, but it hurt too much. It’s been over a year since I've seen your face. So much has happened in that time. My whole world has changed. I am a completely different person. Stronger, more independent and confident.

I still think about you from time to time. But I'm glad we're through. It wasn't meant to last forever. You'll always be my first love, but soon you'll just be a distant memory. And honestly, I really can't wait until that day.  

She has that spark in her eyes...

The excitement consumes her, and it lights up her world. She feels the passion deep within her soul. It's like a fire burning out of control. There is nothing that she can do to prevent it from breaking out, and infecting everyone she meets.

She is alive, and she lives. 

***

Without the dark...

 

Advice from a tree