Love at first sight?

I'm not the type of person you fall in love with at first sight. But I've been told that there is a lightness about me that draws people in. I want to believe this. Maybe I once did. But that was a long time ago. These days I feel as though I am a quite the opposite: a darkness from which everyone runs.

Relationship stuff

I'm not good with any of this relationship stuff. I keep most of my friends at a distance, and they do the same. And eventually it just fizzles out. I have tried so many times. But I just can't seem to get it right. So I think it might be a good time for me to just tap out.

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia

näˈstaljə,nəˈstaljə

noun

1. "A sentimental longing or wistful affection for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations."

During church last night I was suddenly overcome by an overwhelming feeling of nostalgia. It always makes me think of Hillsong Church, and everything about my life back in Cape Town; aside from the studies. I know that I can’t really compare the two churches because they are quite different. But there is just something so much more vibrant about the atmosphere at Hillsong. Walking through those doors was exciting. People boldly lifted up their hands in worship and danced during the more upbeat songs. And I felt more comfortable expressing myself in that way too. Here, the atmosphere often feels a little more subdued. People worship a little differently and seem a little more serious.

It really isn't fair to compare these churches, but I mourn the loss every time I hear a familiar song. But it’s not just the church itself that I miss. I miss fellowship and the little cell group I belonged to. I miss having people to connect with; even if it was just for a couple hours a week.

I also felt so safe on campus. I didn't realise that until this year. I used to complain constantly about how isolated it was and how closed off from the world I was.

But right now, I’m kinda feeling like a tiny fish plucked out it's fish bowl and placed back into the great big ocean. 

These dreams keep me up at night

The birds have started chirping; marking the end of night and still I am awake. In the distance I hear the sound of what must be the horn of a ship going off every couple minutes. 

I still struggle to fall asleep these days, even though i am feeling completely drained. 

I thought that I had started making progress and dealing with everything that this year has thrown at me. But not too long after some of the dust had settled, was it all just shaken up again. 

Someone recently told me that the only way to get closure is to move on with your life. I'm not sure whether or not I believe this statement. Maybe I just don't really understand what it means to really move on. I have been holding on to so many different things from my past. Have I ever really had any closure? My heart still feels weighed down.

My mentor reminds me that it is still OK to feel this way; as though nothing really makes sense. She is the only person that I feel comfortable showing my real feelings to. And although I am sure she is moved by my pain, it does not change her life. This makes it easier for me. She allows me to be who I am at that very moment. I don’t have to pretend or feel ashamed. 

Arthur Golden

The doctor who walked away | Maria Phalime | TEDxJohannesburg