I think I ruined my heart

As I sit here, trying to draw up a study schedule and get everything in order, I'm overwhelmed by a wave of tiredness that sweeps over me. I'm consumed by all this negative energy that is trapped within me. I feel slightly weak, heavy and weighed down, barely able to breathe freely.

I need a real plan. One that will overcome all the obstacles I see ahead of myself.

I need help.

It’s like this past year has been a really bad dream. As if at any moment now I will wake up and start living my real life. This doesn't feel real. This isn't how my life is supposed run. This isn't who I’m supposed to be. The past is a blur of nothingness. Time passed unnoticed, while I was staring into space, slowly losing touch of myself.

Once again I am confronted by my own inadequacy. Failure feels like a cloud that constantly looms over head, everywhere I go, waiting to explode.

I think I ruined my heart. I closed it off. Forbid it to feel anything. Forbid it from feeling pain. And now it has changed and I no longer feel. Happiness is fleeting. Love is an emotion that seems foreign in practice. I still remember the theory of it all, but it just feels implausible.

How is it possible that I didn't see all this coming? How is it that I couldn't prevent myself from falling into this very wide ditch again?

All the signs were there. It’s not as if I didn't recognise the landmarks. I've been here before. So why did I just keep lurching forward blindly, throwing caution to the wind?

It’s almost as if I destined myself to fail. Lost all hope and gave in to the voices that said I was not good enough.

I know it’s not true. I just wish that someone would tell that to my mind and help me fix my heart again. 

I dont want you to save me

Quote

To love at all is to be Vulnerable

Quote - The purpose of Tears

You see that girl?

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The definition of a woman

Kay, Sarah (sera)

I came across Sarah Kay a while back, at a time when I was trying to figure out what it was to be a woman. I couldn’t wrap my head around the transition and it felt as if I needed to see the line/ boundary between the two phases of life. It was a while before I realised that there simply is no measure.

There are many things that can define what it means to be a woman. I guess that it depends on you, how you’ve been brought up, and the morals and values that you hold close to your heart. But most importantly, I have learnt that we have the power to define ourselves according to who we want to be, and not in relation to everyone else around us. 

Over the past year I’ve come to believe that you become a woman when you realise that life is not an easy journey - there will be many, many ups and downs along the way. You also start to realise that you will not be perfect and things will often not end up the way you intended.  To me, being a woman means owning up to all your short comings and your insecurities. 

I loved the way she (Sarah Kay) was not afraid to be vulnerable through her poetry. She shares with the audience her insecurities and hopes and dreams. I love that she is open about her family and where she comes from. She is proud of her heritage and cultural background. She is happy being quirky and playful but still comes across as a confident young woman that is filled with talent and ambition.

In 2011 she performed at a Ted Conference as part of a series entitled "Beauty, Imagination, Enchantment."

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Greet the day

"Everyday, think as you wake up, ‘Today I am fortunate to have woken up, I am alive, I have a precious human life, I am not going to waste it. I am going to use all my energies to develop myself, to expand my heart out to others, to achieve enlightenment for the benefit of all beings, I am going to have kind thoughts towards others, I am not going to get angry or think badly about others, I am going to benefit others as much as I can.’ " 

- Dalai Lama

If you happen to be reading this...

I want you to know that I will always be here for you, even if we never see each other again. Know that you have been a blessing in my life ever since we met all those years ago. There will always be a place for you in my heart.

I really never thought that anything would ever happen between us. We always seemed to be in different places and going through different things – circling around each other and never on common ground.

A small part of me now wishes that something more had developed between us earlier, but I also know that it really wasn't the right thing for either of us.

There is nothing that I would change about that night. I let my guard down with you and allowed myself to get lost in your kisses without thinking or worrying about my insecurities or the possible implications. It was amazing. 

Cloudy skies

Taken in Cape Town this winter.