Breathe Me

I have lost myself again

Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,

Yeah I think that I might break

I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe"

- Sia 

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One and only - Adele

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me the chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
I Know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

The choice is yours...

20 Things to let go of before the New Year

 Blog post from: Mind Body Green

1.  Let go of all thoughts that don't make you feel empowered and strong.

2.  Let go of feeling guilty for doing what you truly want to do.

3.  Let go of the fear of the unknown; take one small step and watch the path reveal itself.

4.  Let go of regrets; at one point in your life, that “whatever” was exactly what you wanted.

5.  Let go of worrying; worrying is like praying for what you don’t want.

6.  Let go of blaming anyone for anything; be accountable for your own life. If you don’t like something, you have two choices, accept it or change it.

7.  Let go of thinking you are damaged; you matter, and the world needs you just as you are.

8.  Let go of thinking your dreams are not important; always follow your heart.

9.  Let go of being the “go-to person” for everyone, all the time; stop blowing yourself off and take care of yourself first … because you matter.

10.  Let go of thinking everyone else is happier, more successful or better off than you. You are right where you need to be. Your journey is unfolding perfectly for you.

11. Let go of thinking there's a right and wrong way to do things or to see the world. Enjoy the contrast and celebrate the diversity and richness of life.

12. Let go of cheating on your future with your past. It’s time to move on and tell a new story.

13. Let go of thinking you are not where you should be. You are right where you need to be to get to where you want to go, so start asking yourself where you want to go.

14. Let go of anger toward ex lovers and family. We all deserve happiness and love; just because it is over doesn’t mean the love was wrong.

15. Let go of the need to do more and be more; for today, you've done the best you can, and that's enough.

16. Let go of thinking you have to know how to make it happen; we learn the way on the way.

17. Let go of your money woes — make a plan to pay off debt and focus on your abundance.

18.  Let go of trying to save or change people. Everyone has her own path, and the best thing you can do is work on yourself and stop focusing on others.

19. Let go of trying to fit in and be accepted by everyone. Your uniqueness is what makes you outstanding.

20. Let go of self-hate. You are not the shape of your body or the number on the scale. Who you are matters, and the world needs you as you are. Celebrate you!

So, I recently told my closest guy friend that I have feelings for him.

Yes, yes, I went there. Just like an episode from that MTV "Friend Zone" thing. Such a cliché on my part, I know. But there you go; my clumsy little heart had a spasm and tripped all over itself. 

But, to be honest, I don't mind nearly half as much as I should that he doesn't feel the same way. Of course it would be nice, but I knew that it was a bit of a stretch.

See the thing is, this is the first time, since my last relationship, that I‘ve actually had real feelings for someone and not been afraid to tell him about it. And that means something to me. That spasm - was my heart truly feeling something again.

It’s weird, but I think I've always kinda had a thing for him. But it was never the right time (for many, many reasons). I told myself that going there (developing these feelings), would just be a bad idea. So I denied it. And made the decision in my mind to not even think about it…

But then we had that moment. At first I really and truly did just think that it was so chilled and not a big deal. Until I started thinking about him and I started to see all the things I previously ignored. So, when he kept asking, I told him. I don’t think I was hiding it too well.

Now, I have to watch everything I say to him. I have to play those silly little games of not texting too much and try to keep my distance. And I hate it. Not to mention how badly I suck at it! I hate waiting to see if he will message me first and I hate keeping my distance to see if he will notice.

We may try to pretend that things haven’t changed, but I sorta feel him pulling away. Perhaps it is my fault for being that open about it all. I should probably say that I would take it all back if I could, and pretend that it really doesn’t mean anything to me. I should probably also try to be one of those girls that just sweeps things easily aside. Nonchalant. Blasé. Blah blah blah….

But I’m not sorry that I told him. And I don’t wish that I could take it all back.

I’ve realised that I will never be the girl that can hold back her emotions and keep it all together. I say the things I shouldn’t. I’ll open my heart to you one day and then shut it the next.  I over react, and under- react, depending on the weather. And I may be a little dramatic and act stubbornly all in the same breath.

I am a perfectly, imperfect mess. And I guess that I always will be, in one form or another. I’m trying to be ok with that.

I miss...

... being in love.

I miss that addictive feeling - never being able to get enough of this one person. Someone that just instantly makes your heart sing.

I miss the sweet messages - the cute little texts saying that he’s randomly thinking about you throughout the day.

I miss opening my heart up completely, unafraid that he will reject me - being able to trust him completely to protect this fragile heart that I have kept locked away for too long; trusting him to love me unconditionally.

I miss being vulnerable - free to show him the little pieces of my life that I hide away from the rest of the world.

But most of all, I miss having that one person to share my life with.

Someone that can’t sleep without checking that you are ok and someone that is genuinely interested in hearing about every second of your day.

And you know that he feels the same way about you because he isn’t afraid to tell you. He needs to hear your voice, your laughter and loves to see you smile.

Merry Christmas!

So exciting unwrapping little gifts and spending time with my crazy and slightly (in)sane family. 
As dysfunctional as we may sometimes be, there is nowhere else that I'd rather be.
Wishing you all a blessed day, filled with lots of love and laughter.
Take care and stay safe xxxx

Letting things go

I keep thinking of constantly being surrounded by water.

I'm holding on to negative emotions, experiences, baggage, relationships, that just keep dragging me under. It’s almost as if I hold on to all these things in the hope that they will help me stay afloat and save me from drowning.

But these things don’t save me.

Instead they drag me under.

Deeper and deeper down.

But still, I hold on.

Because letting go of them just seems so much scarier. 

I'm afraid of drifting into the dark unknown depths…

'

While I was writing this, I started to realise a few things.

What if letting go allowed me to break free from all these things that I have chained myself to?

What if it releases you, and instead of sinking, you slowly start to float to the surface?

Finally, you can come up for air.

Breathe.

And suddenly see that you are a lot closer the land than you think.

Over-thinking about thinking...

Believe in yourself

"So don't be afraid, you'll love again"

"Never"

In this world today

Love is scarce and far away

And your heart gets so afraid

To trust someone

All the times he let you down

There was no love to be found

Well it's not the end

There'll be time to mend

And you'll love again

[Chorus:]

Never, never let a broken heart

Take a chance for love away

Don't ever let it make you fall apart

Never, never ever let the pain

Take your need for love away

Never, no never

And I know it seems hard

Open up, let down your guard

But you owe it to your heart

Try again

Oh, comes a time

When we must change

What the past

Has thrown away

Don't take the blame

Don't be ashamed

Throw your fears away

[Chorus]

Let go, don't be afraid

That you will never find

Another one you love again

I know, that you'll be sorry girl

Be strong, before it's too late

Because forever is too long

For you to live in pain

Just don't give up

Please open up

To love

To love

To love

[Chorus]

So don't be afraid

You'll love again

No, you don't have to live in pain

It's never too late

You'll find a way

to love again

 

- Boyz II Men

Are you truly happy?

- Tiny Buddha

When love arrives

I knew exactly what love looked like

in seventh grade.

Even though I hadn’t met love yet

if Love had wondered into my homeroom,

I would’ve recognized him at first glance.

Love wore a hemp necklace.

I would’ve recognized her at first glance.

Love wore a tight french braid.

Love played acoustic guitar,

and knew all my favorite Beatles songs.

Love wasn’t afraid to ride the bus with me.

And I knew,

I just must be searching the wrong classrooms;

just must be checking the wrong hallways.

She was there, I was sure of it.

If only I could find him.

But when Love finally showed up,

She had a bowl cut.

He wore the same clothes every day for a week.

Love hated the bus.

Love didn’t know anything about the Beatles.

Instead,

Everytime I tried to kiss Love,

our teeth got in the way.

Love became the reason I lied to my parents.

I’m going to… Ben’s house

Love had terrible rhythm on the dance floor,

but made sure we never missed a slow song. 

Love waited by the phone,

because she knew if her father picked up

it would be, (heavy breathing)

“Hello, hello… I guess they hang up.”

And Love grew…

Stretched like a trampoline.

Love changed.

Love disappeared

slowly, like baby teeth

losing parts of me I thought I needed.

Love vanished like an amateur magician,

everyone could see the trapdoor but me.

Like a flat tire,

there were other places I had planned on going

but my plans didn’t matter.

Love stayed away for years.

And when Love finally reappeared,

I barely recognized him.

Love smelled different now,

had darker eyes,

a broader back.

Love came with freckles I didn’t recognize,

new birthmarks,

a softer voice.

Now there were new sleeping patterns,

new favorite books.

Love had songs that reminded him of someone else;

songs Love didn’t like to listen to.

So did I.

But we found a park bench that fit us perfectly.

We found jokes that make us laugh.

And now Love makes me fresh homemade chocolate cookies.

But Love will probably finish most of them for a midnight snack.

Love looks great in lingerie but still likes to wear her retainer.

Love is a terrible driver but a great navigator.

Love knows where she’s going,

it just might take her two hours longer than she planned.

Love is messier now;

not as simple.

Love uses the word ‘boobs’ in front of my parents.

Love chews too loudly.

Love leaves the cap off the toothpaste.

Love uses smiley faces in her text messages

And turns out,

Love shits.

But Love also cries.

And Love will tell you, “You are beautiful.”

And mean it.

Over and over again,

“You are beautiful.”

When you first wake up,

“You are beautiful.”

When you’ve just been crying,

“You are beautiful.”

When you don’t want to hear it,

“You are beautiful.”

When you don’t believe it,

“You are beautiful.”

When nobody else will tell you,

“You are beautiful.”

Love still thinks,

“You are beautiful.”

But love is not perfect,

and will sometimes forget,

when you need to hear it most,

“You are beautiful.”

Do not forget this.

Love is not who you are expecting.

Love is not what you can predict.

Maybe Love is in New York City, 

already asleep.

You are in California, Australia,

wide awake.

Maybe Love is always in the wrong timezone.

Maybe Love is not ready for you.

Maybe you are not ready for Love.

Maybe Love just isn’t the marrying type.

Maybe the next time you see Love is twenty years after the divorce.

Love looks older now but just as beautiful as you remember.

Maybe Love is only there for a month.

Maybe Love is there for every firework,

every birthday party,

every hospital visit.

Maybe Love stays.

Maybe Love can’t.

Maybe Love shouldn’t.

Love arrives exactly when Love is supposed to.

And Love leaves exactly when Love must.

When Love arrives,

say, “Welcome, make yourself comfortable.”

If Love leaves,

ask her to leave the door open behind her,

turn off the music,

listen to the quiet,

whisper, “Thank you for stopping by.”

-Sarah and Phil Kay(e)

I absolutely adore this spoken word. I heard it for the first time over a year ago, at a time where I was struggling to let go of a relationship. I cried so many times listening to it, every time noticing something more that stood out for me. It highlighted most of the things that I thought love was, and what I expected it to be.

But it made me realise that love is never exactly what you expect it to be. And that there are a million different ways to love someone. I also realised that it was indeed possible to love more than one person in your life time. It helped me let go of the bitterness and just accept the relationship for what it was, and nothing more.

Every now and again, I listen to it, to remind me that even though love seems so far away, it may be closer than you think. But in the mean time, I know not to dwell on what is not, or what could be, but to rather just enjoy everything that is, in the moment.

More poetry from these two inspirational poets:

-  An Origin Story

- Long Distance Love

- Teeth