Waiting for the other shoe to drop...

Why is it that when things are going well, I can’t help thinking that it is just about time for everything to come crashing down again? It sometimes seems as if happiness isn't meant to last forever; or as if I don't deserve it. Why is it that impending failure is much easier to believe than the prospect of success?

Apathy, Sympathy and Empathy

I'm only now starting to learn the true meaning of these three words and the impact that they may have on my life. though seemingly the same, these words carry very great and different meanings. my mentor explained it to me in the form of a simple story.

a man is drowning in the river. apathy comes by, notices him and decides that it is not worth his time trying to save him. so he continues on his way.

next sympathy comes by. he is so overcome by emotion and really wants to save the man drowning in the river that he rushes in to the water without a second thought. as soon as he reaches the man he finds that he too gets caught in the riptide and cannot save either of them. so now he too is drowning.

then empathy comes along and sees both men drowning in the river. he also desperately wants to help them both, but does not rush in immediately. he is aware that he may also get caught out there. so first he calls someone for help and searches around for a life jacket and some rope to pull them in with. he puts on the life jacket and throws out the life raft for them to grab hold of until someones comes to help him pull them in. in no time at all help arrives and empathy is able to safely rescue them without further endangering himself or anybody else.

Dancing the night away

Last night I went to a campus party and had a awesome time hanging out with lotsa fun people and dancing to great music. My close friends decided not to come, at first, but I found some other friends to hang out with. It was good to just do what I wanted to do. I liked being able to go up to the guys that I knew and dance with them a little. I didn't feel invisible or awkward and I didn't feel like a loser if I was jamming on my own for a little while. Two of my besties did eventually come through and I ended the night with them.

There were a few guys that I noticed throughout the night but I wasn't really trying to get their attention or anything. But towards the end of the night, I was dancing with a friend from class (let’s call him Dissection guy), and I noticed him getting a whole lot closer. It was funny because I can be so uncoordinated sometimes, in really close proximity, with guys for the first time. But at the time I didn't think anything of it. I tried to keep things a little distant and chilled but eventually let him get closer and closer.  The next thing I knew, he pulled in to me and we kissed. I realize now that I actually really wanted to - and it was great. I felt those nervous butterflies, that I've been missing, especially when he pulled me in the second time... 

And all too soon we pulled apart. I think we both came to our senses. To be honest, we were far from discreet and I can’t be too certain of his sobriety level… 

After he left I saw him, from a distance, outside a couple of times, but he didn't come back and we left it just there. 

Now the problem is that I think he has a girlfriend. OK, no, I’m fairly certain that he does.  So it meant nothing. And it can’t mean anything.  

This is exactly why I previously decided that I wouldn't let such things happen randomly at parties again.  But at the same time, it felt good to just live in the moment. I think that I might like him a little. This isn't really the first time that I've thought about him in that way...

But I know that I am still not ready for an actual relationship. There are so many things that I still have to deal with, like the way that I think of myself - the “boxes” that I put myself into.  But that is a story for another day.

On the upside, I got up bright and early for class today, despite being out for most of the night. J

Little things to remember...

Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep.

At least fifteen people in this world love you.

The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.

There are at least two people in this world that would die for you.

You mean the world to someone.

Someone, that you don't even know exists, loves you.

When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.

When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look - and you'll see that someone is reaching out to help you.

Always remember the compliments you've received.

Forget the rude remarks.

Keep an open heart, and try to see the good in everyone you meet.
***

Heading out again...

Spring break is now officially coming to an end and its time for me to head back to campus to finish off this year, once and for all! I'm all packed up and ready to go, bright and early in the morning. It has been too short a holiday, but it has been good to take a breather and see my family again. I got a chance to spend some time with my bestie too and even met some of her friends from varsity.

I'm not going to be all sad about leaving this time, because I know that its just one of those things that I have to do. And I really do love being in that beautiful city. My home away from home.

I will always miss my family, but that doesn't mean that I can't love being away.

Life is a journey...

A long and winded journey. And you can never truly know what to expect each day. When the sun rises and you open your eyes, you can never be entirely certain what the day will bring. So wake up with a smile and look forward to all the blessings that God is sure to send your way. 

***

The last person you kissed

Dear N*,

A year ago we were just acquaintances, two people put in the same place at the same time. That first kiss happened unexpectedly and even though it wasn’t intentional, I wouldn’t change any of it. It may not have started a great romance between us, but it was the beginning of a friendship, that I wouldn't change for the world.

We were both in difficult places in our lives, with school and studies tumbling down around us, and I had ended a relationship that I was trying to get over. You understood that. You were there when I really needed someone to talk to and someone to notice me.

I never really knew how you actually felt about me, but I guess I am sort of glad about that. We kept things simple. Because complicated was the last thing that either of us needed.

A part of me wishes that our relationship could have been more than what it was, but, if I am really honest, I know that starting one with you would have been for all the wrong reasons. And you deserve to be with someone that will love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

Thank you for giving the best hugs and a shoulder to lean on when needed.

See you around,  J

Rainbow

When will it all end?

I'm tired -
of listening to the hurt in her voice,
of seeing the pain in her eyes.
It consumes her -
the worry,
the feelings of bitterness.
Losing control of everything around her.

But she keeps fighting -
against the world,
against the reflection in the mirror.
There's no escape -
from all the pain,
from all the conflict that grips and holds on to her soul.

All she wants is to be free -
to live the life she has always dreamed of.

She's been fighting for so long -
for the ones she loves,
for her independence,
to survive in this cruel world.

When will it all end?
-N.M-

YOU are beautiful!

"The only thing constant... is change."

"Things change and people change, but it doesn't mean that you forget the past or try to cover it up. It simply means that you move on, and treasure the memories made."
***

Over the past couple of years, this has been one of the most difficult things that I have had to accept. It has taken some time, and a little patience, but I have now learnt to value all the changes that have happened in my life.

I dream of one of one day becoming a powerful woman and courageous doctor. But I know that without change I cannot grow, and I may not become stronger and wiser or learn from my mistakes.

So, I'm choosing to embrace the change and look forward to the new experiances that are yet to come.

My mother gives the best hugs

I am back at home for a mini holiday! Finally a chance to just breathe and take a break, FAR away from campus. It is always good coming back home to my family. I miss them so much when I am away. Even though I’ve gotten better at living away from home this past year, I still get really home sick. So now I can stock up on love and big bear hugs from my mother and rest before I go back for the final stretch of this year.

It feels like the beginning of this year happened a lifetime ago, but I guess, in a way, it was. So many things have happened since then. And I am very eager to get this over with! I need to put 2nd year behind me, once and for all...

The only downside to being home right now is that everyone else is still busy at school and varsity! So there is not much going on around these parts.  And things haven’t really changed financially for us. Money is still a bit tight, and I can see how stressed my mother is about everything.

But besides all that, I am doing well. God continues to provide for us every single day. We have so much to be grateful for. I am blessed in a million ways, and I believe that things are still going to get better.  

There are a few things that I need to reflect about this week, from my meetings with my mentor. Our discussions have led to me realising many different things about myself and about my insecurities. And now, that some of them have been highlighted for me, I really want to change a few things, especially the way I think about myself.  

But more about that to come! I hope that anyone stumbling across this post is having a good day/night. Keep well J

Time...

it passes by like a rushing rapid crashing down a water bank.

In the dead of the night

In the dead of the night,

when the moon is high and the stars shine bright,

what plagues your mind?

Is it peaceful thoughts?

Or confrontations and unanswered questions ringing out loud?

For me, all these emotions start to appear.

Fears and anxieties buried deep down

Come to the surface and fight for control.

They keep me awake.

Until the darkest hour, there is no escape.

My mind is not mine alone.

All these voices,

They tell me different things -

All my insecurities and greatest concerns are exposed before me.

I feel ashamed, disappointed and worthless.

But I know that it is not all my fault.

Some things are beyond my reach.

I cannot change what was, but I can change what may be.

I can choose to fight to regain the power that has vanished within me.

So, I still my mind and take a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

Nothing is lost that can be found once again. ©
-N.M-