Something that i should have realized a long time ago...

Life is a beautiful struggle is such an inspiring and motivating blog. It reminds me of so many things that I sometimes seem to forget.

"You know, the right guy won’t change you. He won’t subtly pressure you. He won’t tell you who you can and can’t talk to about the two of you. He won’t hide the fact that you’re hanging out. He’s not gonna tell you you’re wrong for feeling…for being a girl. The right guy will show you off to his friends. He’ll take it as slow as you want. He’ll only go as far as you’re comfortable with. He’ll take you out to places, even if it’s just a fast food place or the store. He’ll actually sit through your stupid girly movies with you because he wants to watch them with you. The right guy will come along someday, you just gotta tough it out and wait for him. But whatever you do, don’t settle. You deserve so much more."

- Life is A Beautiful Struggle

So many people tried to tell me this before. But I was too involved to listen. I knew in my heart that I deserved more, but at the time I guess I thought that we were too young for more. We had fun together and he loved me. That was all that mattered.

But no! Even if we weren't planning to get married or spent the rest of our lives together, our relationship shouldn't have been kept from his friends. If he couldn't be man enough to stand up for who he loves, then he should at least have saved us both the time and ended things. Instead of let me believe that it was ok.

I know it’s not all his fault. I stood by and let it happen. I made excuses for him and defended him. Afraid to hurt his feelings by telling him how I felt. So I can't blame him for wanting things both ways. And I can’t blame myself for falling in love.

It was right when it started. It just went on for too long. But I know that God brought him into my life for a reason. And it all may not be clear right now. But I know that I am stronger for it. I am ready to forgive him. And ready to forgive myself.

The past is the past. He has moved on and found someone else to love. One day, so will I.   ♥

What would you rather be doing at this very moment?

I would love to be somewhere calm and peaceful. In a sturdy little boat gently drifting along a river . With the sun out but slightly masked by a light layer of clouds. A gentle breeze in the air.  The quiet hum of nature all around me. With the sound of a distant  waterfall.. And the quiet humming of the different birds in the trees that line the shore.

I feel absolute contentment. There is nowhere else that I would rather be. The world seems to have just disappeared... And all that mattered was this feeling of being alive. Completely surrounded by nature. With no distractions. No worries. And no stress. 

Courageous heart

Study update......

So, for the past couple of days I have been trying to get my studying in order. I set up a little study area in my room... started filing away some notes... made a list of things I need to know... and tried planning my week. But then when I needed to actually start studying, I didn't know where to begin. I cant help having this feeling of hopelessness looming over my head.. which takes me straight back to where I was last year - with the fear of failing or of not being good enough.

I don’t know why I keep going back to that dark place. Even though I know that NOTHING is the same and that I have come a long way. And I do see the small improvement in my marks. So what’s still holding me back??

I keep finding my mind drifting off into nothingness... or I start doing something random, like checking my emails, or searching the internet for who knows what... my mentor seems to think that this may be a way of self-sabotaging myself. A bit drastic - I know, but it somehow does make sense. But why? Am I afraid of being a doctor one day? Do I not believe that I am good enough? Do I even want to do this?

 I hate feeling like this. I sometimes just wish that I could wake up one day with a determined mind and just sit down and study.... I'd be confident that I am using my skills efficiently and taking in all this wonderful knowledge. Oh how wonderful that would be! I know its probably not as difficult as I m think it is, but I just don't know how to get that mindset. 

Sigh, well tomorrow is another day... 

Beach beach beach!!

 Spent an amazing day at the beach today! My best friend and I decided to hijack my sisters plans with her friends and joined them for a day in the sun. It was really great to meet some of her crazy friends. They are such a mixed group of personalities and get along so well together. We chilled for most of the day with a cider or too just soaking up the rays J

 It was so cool to see the surfers out in the water and all the kids running around. People came to walk their dogs -stopping to talk to people they knew. It was an awesome atmosphere

Once it started getting abit chilly we went over to one of the girls’ house and hung out listening to music and enjoying some hubbly. Was a nice way to end of the day.

It was also so amazing to see my best friend again after such a long time! Last time I saw her was on New Year’s! <3

Hope that all of you have been having a good weekend xxx

A wonderful day

Today was a much more pleasant day! The sun came out to play and there wasn't a cloud in sight. I live for these days.

This morning I sat outside and did some reading. Then, my mother and I went to fetch my sisters from uni and school.

On the way back we stopped by my mother's cousin and her husband. It was nice to sit there and listen to all their stories about when they were younger, and all the trouble they used to get up to. My mother and all her extended family were really close. They all grew up together and lived in the same neighbourhood. Aunties, cousins, uncles, nieces, in-laws etc. I almost wish that we could have grown up in that kind of environment. As it is right now I don’t see any of my cousins or either of my parents’ family really. They have somewhat grown apart. Lots of history there. So I guess all I can hope for is that my sisters and I have that sort of relationship when we start our own families. I would like to think of their children as my own and vice versa.  

Once we got home I went out for my first jog/walk here at home with my sister. We didn’t quite make it on to the beach but we survived the whole course once. Hopefully soon we’ll be able to jog the whole way. But baby steps for now J

Now I’m off to watch a movie with my little sister – a rare opportunity! I love these little sisterly bonding moments ♥ 

Lonely heart ♥

I really love this picture. I found it on An Eternal Delicacy, blog site. Sometimes I miss having someone in my life to love and to be loved by. And yeah, sometimes, as much as I would hate to admit it, I feel lonely. The attention from a relationship can be addictive. And after having that for the most part of 2 and a half years, its difficult to go without.

But at the same time, I think that it is important for me to go through those lonely nights and to be single. I need to be on my own and grow stronger, so that when I finally do find someone that I would like to enter into a relationship with, it wont be because I can't stand being alone, it will be for the right reasons - whatever they maybe at that point in my life. ♥

So today was absolutely unproductive... 

I had a mini argument with my mother last night. It started off as a joke but ended up not being so funny after all. I was offended by something that she said about one of my guy friends and it was blown out of proportion. but long story short, i spoke to her in a not-so-nice manner and hurt her feelings. i need to try not to get so annoyed or irritated sometimes. My mother and i have a great relationship otherwise and thankfully everything is fine now. 

Other than receiving some cold shoulder treatment for most of the morning, i painted my nails... read a magazine... searched the web for some cool blogs to follow... and just lounged around...

I know that I should be more determined to achieve all the goals that I have set for myself but sometimes it feels as if I am lacking that driving force that just gets you up and going. Or maybe I’m not giving myself a chance? But I guess we’ll never know until I just stop thinking about it and DO IT!

Update!

So I must admit that I have been a terrible blogger of the last few months! I think it has to do with a mixture of stress at varsity and a lack of words to sum up all of my feelings...

Truth is, it’s been an up and down road lately. With some great moments and also some moments when I feel so helpless and as if nothing at all has changed since last year...

However, I have survived these past couple of months and I now have a great opportunity to make some drastic changes and set some well established routines and plans for my life. 

I want to keep growing as an independent woman everyday and I want to learn and experience life in different ways. I’m tired of this dull and sometimes unexciting life that I lead. I want to live everyday to the fullest and make memories and just be able to look back at the end of the year and know that I have achieved and grown.

Right now, I am on a break from varsity. That on its own is a long story, so I will just say that it’s an opportunity to set myself up for success. Which is why it is so important that I don’t fall back in to old habits, but that I make a plan to do all the things that I promised myself I would.

The other thing that I want to do is promise to post something every day.

At the end of these 2 months, I want to be able to look back and know that this time has been spent productively. And I want to be fully prepared for everything that is still to come.

So here’s to looking forward – till tomorrow! J